Move-in Day: You get out of the car, nervous with anticipation, eager to say good-bye to mom and dad and meet your new roommate. Tearful farewells are said and the cold, hard realization that you're no longer a little kid hits you harder than Lindsay Lohan's BMW.
After that, there's plenty of awkward interaction with your new living mate, coupled with equally uncomfortable hall or suite-wide icebreakers.
Then classes start, and you're off to the races. All alone.
The University does a fairly good job of giving new students the lowdown of how this place operates: You sleep in dorms, eat at the dining halls, go to class in classrooms and party on Rugby Road (and in old dorms -- who are we kidding). But they deliberately leave a lot of important information out of orientation.
College should have a handbook for all the stuff that parents, RAs and older siblings are too afraid to tell us when we arrive: the stuff that's crucial to survival in college. The stuff that would put the University knee-deep in ...
Well, thankfully your dear old Uncle Brendan is here to spill the beans on the secrets of this fine institution that only the wisest of fourth-year students, such as myself, are qualified to bestow upon impressionable underclassmen.
Dining hall food: It's good for one thing -- keeping people alive, since humans need sustenance for survival. It's pretty bad at just about everything else -- looking good, tasting good and staying in your digestive tract longer than four minutes. Seriously, those with meal plans know that an hour-long dinner at Newcomb means half an hour in the actual dining hall and another reading "The Stall Seat Journal."
Roommates: Odds are, your roommate is an OK dude/dudette. They might have one too many Nickelback albums, they might have one too few deodorant sticks and they might be from New Jersey. If your roommate is particularly crap-tacular, move out. If you like them, live with them next year.
Downloading music: Everybody does it ... or so I've heard. But seriously, if you do decide to steal music, you don't want to get caught. If you do, the University Judiciary Committee will lay upon the offender the ultimate shame, the sheer ignominy of a very discreet letter in an unmarked envelope kindly asking that you refrain from exceeding dormitory bandwidth limits.
Streaking the Lawn: Worth it. A few reminders, though. Shoes are a good idea, especially in the winter. Hold onto your underwear as you run, or else it will get stolen by perverted Lawn residents. Most importantly, don't forget the four massive hills built into the Lawn itself. The trip down to Homer's butt is a lot easier than the trip back to the Rotunda. Pace yourself.
Asthmatics
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