First-year students typically come in with all sorts of crazy questions and concerns and diseases. And while I may not be a doctor, I've been here long enough that I can answer queries from entering Wahoos. Of course, I choose to do so in writing rather than face-to-face because of how disease-ridden these kids are. So here are my answers to a collection of frequently asked questions that I've overheard while wandering through first-year dorms with my trusty surgical mask on.
Q: How do I set up my room phone?
A: That thing? Seriously? Are you serious? You're serious. OK, I'll tell you how to set it up: Set it gently teetering on the ledge of your open room window. Then cut the cord. That's how you set that up. Psh. Room phone.
Q: Now that I'm officially attending U.Va., when should I replace the word "who" with "hoo"?
A: Always. In fact, your question should have read, "When should I replace the word 'hoo' with 'hoo'?" But I understand how that could have been confhoosing for a nhoo sthoodent.
Q: How do I find out hoo my advisor is?
A: Your advisor should be able to tell you hoo your advisor is. Try sending your advisor an e-mail saying, "Dear Dr. Blank, are you my advisor?" If you get a "yes" in reply, then your advisor is Dr. Randal S. Blank in the Department of Anesthesiology. If you get a "no," just keep asking around. This method should help you discover your advisor by the end of your second year, just in time for you to pick and declare your major.
Q: Using "hoo" all the time is making my head hurt. Where is Student Health located?
A: 400 Brandon Avenhoo.
Q: Does the blhoo bus stop by there?
A: First of all, you misspelled "blue." Perhaps you did this on purpose. Way to try to be chool, Dhoofus. More to the point, I've never actually been to Student Health, so I wouldn't know how to get there. It's not like I go there all the time to pick up free boxes of condoms or anything. I didn't even know they had free condoms there. What are you trying to say? You think I'm one of those creepy condom dudes? Come on. That's ridiculous ... the green line is quicker.
Q: As a dude, I am feeling bombarded by chicks right now. The first-year class is 57 percent female! Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. But there will come a time when I'll want to stop hearing about "High School Musical 2" and just play Guitar Hero with my buds. What should I do?
A: Just chillax, dude. I feel you. By the way, you can't say "chicks" to denote women anymore. It's considered degrading. The correct term is "non-male human person." It's very important to show the proper respect when referring to minorities, even minorities that are actually majorities. Anyway, the University is working hard to restore masculine dominance on Grounds, first by implementing a policy that emphasizes quality over quantity. In addition, the names of several buildings and areas are being masculinized. The Rotunda will henceforth be the Brotunda, the Amphitheater will be called the Manphitheater and the sign on Cocke Hall will be enlarged. Also remember that first-years don't have cars, so despite the recent influx of non-male human persons, there is no immediate threat to road safety. Respect.
Q: Should I rush?
A: If you have to go that badly, yes.
Q: No, I meant should I go Greek?
A: Badum!
Q: Which has better food: Newcomb or O'Hill?
A: That's like asking, "Who has better judgment skills: Lindsay Lohan or Alberto Gonzales?" All I can say is that I hope you attended President Casteen's beginning-of-the-year reception, because those mini sandwiches are the best food one can experience as a first-year.
Well, that should answer everything. If you first-years think of any more questions, just call my room phone ... Psh. Room phone.
Dan is a Cavalier Daily Life columnist. His column runs weekly on Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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