Many emotions and mental complexities come with a person's first sexual experience. The levels of emotion vary with each sexually active person, but losing virginity is usually no small deal for anyone.
Sex can become even more complicated for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals. In a world where LGBT rights are not a given and same-sex marriage is a heated political topic, LGBT students are not always allowed to experience sex with all its pains and pleasures the same way straight students can.
Let's talk about sex
First-year College student Molly Conger said stereotypes fly all around her at the University, where people have plenty of opinions about LGBT people without even personally knowing a gay student.
"A popular conception of young gays is everyone running around and everyone being totally promiscuous and disgusting," Conger said. "We're just people; we have morals. It is hard for people to think of a gay person in the abstract. When you think of it in the abstract, it's not your neighbor or your kid."
Conger said her first sexual experiences during her first semester at the University left her confused.
"I think the first time I was hooking up with a girl, I was sort of scared," Conger said. "It felt like forbidden territory, because it felt so in her domain. She was definitely taking the lead. Someone ended up knocking on the door. She went to get the door and I remember thinking, 'Wait? What happened and where is my bra?'"
Conger said it took her a while before she came out to herself and to her friends and family.
"Interestingly for me, I think for most people they come out and then have experiences," Conger said. "I was having sexual experiences with girls before I was ready to come out even to myself. I would get drunk and hook up with a girl and just be really confused afterward."
Conger, who officially came out this semester, said she thinks she did it "backwards," meaning that it took her experimenting sexually before fully realizing she was attracted to other women. For this reason, Conger didn't have an official coming out to her friends at the University.
"It was easier for me because most people have a lot of straight friends they have to come out to and then they meet other gay people," Conger said. "Whereas I came to college and all of a sudden everyone I knew was gay."
Coming out to her sister, though, was a different story.
"I came out to my sister over Spring Break," Conger said. "We were sitting at a restaurant eating cake together, talking about what a bad week my mom was having. She was turning 50, and then I said, 'This would be a really bad time to tell her I am gay.' And we laughed. And then I told her I was serious."
Although Conger's sister did not know Conger was a lesbian, Conger said she was so pleased by how accepting her sister was.
"After a long time she said to me, 'Wait, so does this mean you like girls?'" Conger said. "We're in a good place that we can joke about it."
So yes, Conger said, she does like girls, and she also said she has her sexual limits.
While reflecting on the ambiguity of virginity, Conger said, "For lesbians, what is losing your virginity? For me, if any part of you is in another person and you are orgasm-ing, it is sex. A lot of people define lesbian sex as mutual oral, but I haven't done that because I'm not licking anything I'm not in a relationship with."
Out and about
First-year College student Michael Flores said he has known he was gay since high school but did not come out until he was a student at the University. Flores said he comes from Southern, conservative Roanoke, where he never felt the need to make waves.
"I wasn't out in high school -- only to my brother and some of my friends," Flores said. "The only reason I didn't come out, aside from the possibility of my parents finding out, was because I was the only gay person in my school. I didn't feel like there was any reason to come out."
Flores said he did not lose his virginity until college, but looking back, he said he wishes he came out earlier.
"Looking back, I wish I could have come out in high school," Flores said. "I feel like I'm a pretty nice guy and could have changed a lot of peoples' opinions about homosexuality. A lot of people in my small town are pretty bigoted but only because they haven't been exposed."
Flores said once he was in college, everyone just picked up on the fact he was gay, so he did not have a heart-wrenching coming-out story.
"Now no one asks me if I'm gay," Flores said. "I feel like it's just implied, that people just know. The first night I got here, I met my best friend, who is gay. I met so many gay people that I never had to come out. I was automatically gay. It was much easier that way for me."
Flores said the absence of an official coming out to everyone has not stunted his sexual activity.
"I never really had a coming out in high school, and I never really had it in college either," Flores said. "The first sexual experience I had with a guy was within the first week of being here, which was surreal because I had never been with a guy before. I had never been gay before, and suddenly someone is interested in me."
Flores said he went on a date with the aforementioned male, and it was clear they were both interested.
"That night was the first sexual experience I had," Flores said. "As far as emotions go, I was definitely into it, and I was glad it was happening, even if I had just met him. I was definitely nervous, but he was very good about making sure that I was comfortable with what was happening."
Flores said the experience was not awkward at all and added that he felt "strangely comfortable with the whole thing."
Each sexual encounter that has followed has been increasingly comfortable, Flores said. Now, he said, he cannot believe how different his life in college has been from his life in high school.
Getting emotional
Sex is certainly a big deal, no matter with whom you are having it. Counseling and Psychological Services psychologist Belinda Overstreet said a person's cultural background affects the feelings associated with "the first time" more than sexual orientation does.
"It varies dramatically depending on the person and where he or she comes from," Overstreet said. "For example, a gay student coming from a religiously conservative background is likely to have more conflicted feelings about a first homosexual experience, whereas a gay student coming from a more gay-friendly metropolitan area is likely to endure less internal conflict about a similar experience."
Flores, who did come from a "conservative background," said sex is obviously emotional when you are having it with someone for whom you care. He added that these emotions come from the possibility of a relationship.
Conger agreed that sex is highly emotionally charged.
"It is terrifying, just like it is for straight people," Conger said, adding that she also had to deal with the emotionally intense coming-out experience.
"When you first come out, it is momentous, it is such an emotional experience," Conger said. "After that it becomes such a part of your identity, when you meet new people, you forget to clue them in. You're straight until you're labeled otherwise."
Outside the bedroom
Having the support of gay friends and networks at the University during momentous changes really helped, Conger said. One resource that strives to aid LGBT students and other community members on Grounds is the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Resource Center, established at the University in 2001.
"The resource center is part of the Dean of Students Office, so we exist as a resource to students, faculty and alumni on LGBT issues," Director Joy Pugh said.
Pugh said in addition to serving as a support center for the LGBT community at the University, the office offers programming and outreach to allies.
While the University has a long way to go, Pugh added, it has also come a long way in making LGBT students equal and comfortable on Grounds.
"If you talked to students 10 or 20 years ago, they are amazed at the resources there are now, which speaks to the University's commitment," Pugh said. "The University has come a long way, committing to an LGBT Resource Center and a staff member to run that. Students are safe here and have a good experience, but we still have a long ways to go before there is a completely comfortable environment to LGBT people."
Losing it
Flores and Conger are two gay students who said they are comfortable being who they are and pursuing sexual relationships the way they have wanted.
"My friends and I make a point of being really inappropriate in public," Conger said. "Why should we have to be quiet about it? It shouldn't be considered deviant."
Flores said he lost the need to pretend to be "mainstream" along with his virginity.
"In high school, I would tell people I wasn't gay and I would do things to pretend than I'm not," Flores said. "Now, my friends and I tan on the Lawn in short shorts, sing Miley Cyrus in Little John's and play spin the bottle in bars ... I'm just not worried about people seeing that I'm gay. Sometimes I'm taken aback by how different my life is from a year ago and how comfortable I've become with myself"
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