In losing to Duke this past Saturday, the Cavalier football team accomplished something that few all-male, officially recognized NCAA football teams have before. Not only did it become the first ACC team to lose to the Blue Devils during the second term of the Bush administration, it also achieved one of the acts listed in the U.S. government’s most recent piece of legislation, “The Top 10 Most Shameful Things an American Can Do.”
What follows is the official list produced by Congress (which felt it had to get something done after making no progress on the bailout plan), along with my own thoughts concerning its provisions.
10. Losing to Duke in an American football contest
If there is one thing Americans value most, it’s football. And if there is one thing that never seems to happen in football, it’s someone losing to Duke. Such a loss is widely viewed as the equivalent of a grown man getting beat by his young daughter in an arm-wrestling contest, or a rhinoceros getting beat to death by a crippled lamb, and it typically means that your football team might as well pack it in and forfeit the rest of the season, because, let’s face it, they just aren’t going to win any more games, possibly ever.
9. Attending a Nickelback concert
Everybody’s favorite band to hate, Nickelback sounds like a broken-down lawn mower, looks like my Uncle Fred dressing up as Tom Petty for Halloween (see: Chad Kroeger’s face) and is from Canada, which “we must continue to make fun of as much as possible,” the senator who advocated this provision said. Speaking of Canada...
8. Losing to Canada at anything
Americans everywhere have ye olde “Canadian complex,” which is the inherent American belief in the inferiority of their northern neighbor. Thus, losing to Canada at anything, whether it be slalom skiing at the Winter Olympics or an igloo-building competition, is simply unforgiveable. After all, who would want to lose to a bunch of beaver-obsessed, multi-layered-long-johns-wearing lumberjacks living in igloos surrounded by throngs of moose and musk oxen? (Sorry, Canada. Please don’t come after me. Oh wait, you’re totally passive and peace-loving. Never mind, I stand by everything I said.)
7. Buying a vehicle with an engine smaller than the average American home
As Americans, we all know we are bigger and better than everyone else. The most obvious symbol of this fact can be seen in the giant, gas-devouring vehicles on our roads today. At a time when our country’s reputation is at stake, Americans wisely realize the great importance of purchasing cars big enough to fit the student body of a small elementary school in the backseats. This undoubtedly makes us way more badass than those critical Europeans, whose “Smart Cars” could easily drive right under the average American SUV.
6. Appointing an unsuspecting Alaskan hockey mom to the position of vice president
The Democrats were able to successfully pass this provision after reminding their Republican counterparts that John McCain, if he were to be elected to two terms as president, would have about a 74 percent chance of dying in office, thus leaving Sarah Palin, a frontierswoman who knows more about hunting wild reindeer than vetoing a bill, in charge of our country.
5. Ordering a salad at Hardee’s
Couldn’t agree more. If I’m at Hardee’s, I’m trying to transport several truckloads of cholesterol into my blood, not lose fat. That’s why I man up and order the Chili Cheese Monster Thickburger with a side of Chili Cheese Fries. Besides, the Southwest Chicken Salad contains 1,100 calories and 83 grams of fat, which means it’s worse for you than a Bacon Cheese Thickburger, so there really is absolutely no point in going green here.
4. Dissing Chuck Norris
Never ever insult Chuck Norris. Ever. This is both blasphemous and dangerous. If you are ever tempted to do so, just remember that you are dealing with a man who can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass — at night.
3. Buying anything from an infomercial, except for anything endorsed by Chuck Norris
Sorry, Billy Mays, but scientists recently completed a study of the ingredients of OxiClean, finding the “revolutionary” product to be made of water and frozen bits of Sprite. Chuck Norris, on the other hand: You are a god. If you endorse a product, it must be foolproof. America, there is no better way to shed your obesity than by purchasing the Total Gym. Just three easy payments of $9,050.
2. Dressing up your dog
Hey, Crazy Drugged-Up Elderly Neighbor From Hell, no one wants to see your bulldog donning Burberry rain gear. It is shameful for the dog and society as a whole.
1. Choosing Tech over U.Va.
Congressmen really nailed this one. Just think, Tech’s school colors are even uglier than ours! Although, I must say, at least its football team can beat Duke.
Nick’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
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