The student body, aside from being fairly attractive physically, provides us with the opportunity to meet hundreds of people with remarkable interests and talents, making it difficult to know when to pursue someone. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during the course of my brief stint here as an academic, it’s when is the right time to go after the person you are interested in — with more gusto than the Cookie Monster at the Keebler elf tree house, before he started eating all those vegetables.
It is necessary to exercise some caution about when you pull out your A game, and it is with this in mind that I feel a list is in order to determine the acceptable and unacceptable times to hit on someone.
1. While at a club meeting: acceptable.
This might seem fairly obvious, given the fact that the two of you must already share some common ground if you are both involved in the same organization, but I think this is a good place to start when talking about nice, wholesome ways of meeting a potential significant other.
2. While the object of your desire is streaking the Lawn: unacceptable-ish.
Not the appropriate time to compliment someone on their exceptional form. The one time when this might be able to slide, however, is if he or she has injured themselves going down one of those cursed hills, in which case some polite conversation might naturally ensue once both of you are clothed ... Or not.
3. While studying at the library: acceptable.
Although this is a great place to have pleasant small talk, one must come prepared with topics beforehand. For example, it is difficult to begin a relationship with someone by telling them that it’s so cool that they’re reading and that you can read, too. Also, don’t try it on the first floor of Clemons. No one is more unapproachable or testy than a helpless college student on a caffeine binge shakily downing fruit snacks and Skittles.
4. While in a moving vehicle: unacceptable.
“No, I don’t want no scrub / A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me / Hangin’ out the passenger side / of his best friends ride / tryin’ to holla at me.” OK. So those lyrics are only loosely related, but I just really like TLC and any opportunity I have to give them some more play. But seriously ... What’s your game plan? You gonna ask them to pull into the gas station parking lot? You would. Sketchball.
5. During a test: unacceptable.
No one cares if you have a really witty joke you want to lay on the pretty girl sitting next to you about how question #11 relates back to “Family Guy.”
6. While grinding: acceptable. I only say this because I feel this is where a vast majority of students meet people that they will make out with that same night. This is also a great time to acknowledge good rhythm and stamina.
7. While sunbathing: acceptable. I’ve never actually seen anyone try this, so if you introduce yourself to a young lady while she’s taking in the rays, please let me know how it works out.
8. While playing in a giant pile of leaves: acceptable. If you are crawling around in a pile of leaves and knock into someone you don’t know, you should hit on them, whether you’re attracted to them or not — even if they don’t match up with your sexual orientation.
9. At a concert: unacceptable. You’re not even in it for the music. So not cool, brah.
10. In a tree: acceptable. About 30 percent of all mammals can trace their mating rituals back to a tree. I made that statistic up, but wouldn’t we all like to play just a small role in some imaginary figure floating around this crazy galaxy we call the Milky Way? Yeah, man ... Yeah.
While I’m sure many of you are snickering and calling me a prude by now, I think this list provides some solid groundwork from which to build up your empire of Mack-dom. The key, however, is not to understand when a good time to flirt with someone would be, but rather to act on your feelings when you know the timing is right.
So you know what? Forget about cultural norms and the possibilities they forbid. Decide when and where is a good time for you to make a move and go after it.
After all, did Mariah Carey quit performing just because she couldn’t sing or dance or really bring anything fruitful to the table? No. No, she didn’t. And if a woman like that can sell millions of albums and have thousands of fans screaming her name on a daily basis, then you have to wonder if there are any limits at all on the ambitions of the fine students that grace these streets.
Take some risks; fight the good fight, walk barefoot, blow bubbles in your milk, holla at a dime, throw a stanky leg or two down ... etc.
No one can be blamed for trying. Except Mariah Carey.
Andy’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at a.hart@cavalierdaily.com.
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