I wasn’t loved enough as a child, so I need a lot of attention. But sometimes writing columns that are 2,000 words long once a week just isn’t enough. [Editor’s Note: Steve not only cried to be this semester’s only weekly columnist, but when we try to cut his rants down to the normal 1,000 words, he makes fun of our clothes.] So like a new media-savvy egotist, I need a way to let everyone know my every thought and action at all times. No, I don’t update my Facebook status like an early ‘00s wannabe, but I tweet! Or twit, or twat, I don’t know ... I use Twitter.
Remember that Facebook fiasco a few weeks ago when Zuckerberg went craycray with our News Feeds? That was ol’ Marky Mark trying to make Facebook more Twitter-y — after he tried to buy it for half a bil and got his friend request denied!
Twitter has all the class that Facebook once had back when it was a classicist socioeconomic divider that kept privileged college students separate from the uneducated hobos. Just kidding, hobos don’t Facebook. I am friends with a few elementary school-dropout prison inmates. They get computer lab time in between workout sessions and shiv fights.
Plus while Facebook has the fun shenanigans of denying friendship requests and mocking people’s posts via secretive messages — we all know Facebook messages are meant exclusively for the most ruthless of slander or the most drunken of love confessions — Twitter offers cruel fun, too! For instance, when someone follows you — Twitter doesn’t pretend to bring “friends” together; we all just want to follow/stalk each other — you have the option of following them back, or not — which I think is a nice way of saying, “I can understand that you want to know what I’m up to, because I’m interesting and fun and going places, but no, I don’t want to hear about what movie you’re watching by yourself tonight, so I’m not following you.” Yay, one-sided friendships!
“But Steve, what can Twitter do that Facebook can’t?” Oh wait ... Nothing. Plus, Facebook also lets me post scandalous background check-ruining photos of you doing horrible things, and it lets me memorize your favorite shows to subtly bring them up in casual conversation, as in, “What do you mean you don’t understand that dirty Katie Couric reference? Facebook told me you love “Dawson’s Creek,” so I memorized all the obscene sexual lines — seriously Google Katie Couric and “Dawson’s Creek.”
Speaking of celebs, that’s where Twitter shines ... Or becomes a horrible cesspool of me begging them to shut the tweet up! So on Facebook, you can friend a few celebrities, but only a few undesirables actually accept — obvi I have Heidi and Brody from “The Hills” and that fatty future Special Olympic athlete from “The Paper”... Hey, if Obama can say it, I can, too. But on Twitter, famous people actually post their random thoughts! Well, that’s debatable, because we all know Britney doesn’t know how to operate the Internet, but her PR person can handle it.
OK, I’m sick of explaining this stuff to you, you Web 2.0 pleb. Here’s my typical Twitter page, with the most recent wastes of time at the top! Oh, and if you follow any of the same celebs, you know I am not exaggerating these freaks:
Snarky Kid Always on Twitter: @Boring College Girl yes, you’re a cliché, FYL!
Boring College Girl: OMG the 2-for-1 Arch’s deal is cancelled!? FML! Wait, is FML getting too cliché?
Downer 20-Something Gen X’er Who Spends His Life on Gawker: Look at this link to this story! It proves I knew something before you! I’m the best!
Heidi Montag: @Spencer Pratt Luvz you. Ah, traffic is bad, gonna be so late. Thank Jesus I can tweet from my Blackberry!
Michael Ian Black: Overcast and rainy. Perfect day for cutting!
Perez Hilton: Look at me! Zac Efron sent me champagne for my birthday!
Boring College Girl: Tehehe, how do I still have this cough? I can’t believe I’m doing so bad this semester. FML FML FML ... See you at The Virginian tonight!
Spencer Pratt: @Heidi Montag, you’re gonna be a star! Luvz you!
Boring College Boy: Look at this sweet music video. You can’t tell if I like it ironically or not, so even if you hate it, you might still think I’m cool!
The Cavalier Daily: We’re desperately trying to avoid becoming obsolete, please read our articles! Here are 20 links!
Boring College Girl: Who the eff is screaming in such a shrill voice in the Scholars’ Lab about his wardrobe? I have so many tests to study for! FML!
Diddy: Ah, I have a million followers. It’s so validating to me that you guys took the all the time and effort to click “follow.” Don’t forget to drink Ciroc!
Downer: This just in, print media is dying an agonizing death. Yay new media! Yay Twitter!
Heidi Montag: Gonna go to the studio to lay down some more tracks! So excited for you guys to hear the new album! I’ll just ignore the fact that all my “accidentally” released songs have been universally ridiculed!
Stevenaustin: @Allison Two days in a row!? False, I have a system! I see you on the other side of the Scholars’ Lab you two-faced ...
Boring College Boy: wamp wamp Bojangles
Too Cool for School Recent Grad: I’m not here to Tweet, just to stalk you.
Diddy: A new episode of Diddy TV getting posted soon because I need you guys to read my posts and watch my vids and maybe we can ignore the fact all my bands fail.
Allison: @Stevenaustin Just saw Steve. He tried to make me read his stoopid column. And didn’t he wear that shirt yesterday?
Boring College Crackhead: The meth lab in GrandMarc got busted? Txt me if you know of a backup plan.
Stevenaustin: I’m so funny! Read all my columns. You can find the link here, here, or here or just txt me and I’ll e-mail them to you or read them to you through the phone no prob!
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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