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The original birthers

This just in: Thomas Jefferson was not born on American soil. As his last name clearly indicates, he is an Englishman through and through. Not only is the surname "Jefferson" of Old English origin, but there are currently more than 500 people in England with the same last name!

Despite widespread claims to the contrary - read: conspiracy - the Declaration of Independence was written with a hidden code meant as a secret alliance between the Thirteen Colonies and Britain. Do not bother analyzing the actual text - these legal documents are really a matter of interpretation anyway. And do not even think about looking for proof in history books. The liberal media - then called the Democratic-Republicans, of course - is in cahoots with the history-writers and never should be trusted to provide anything even close to accurate information.

We would be remiss in our democratic duties if we were to divert our attention from this first-priority dilemma - the budget proceedings and situation in Libya can wait. Since Thomas Jefferson actually was born in Britain, his work on the Declaration, the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom and his efforts to eradicate the institution of slavery in the nation's first years should come into question, if not be discredited altogether. We all know that anyone not born in the United States is incapable of doing anything good for our country. Take Madeline Albright, Andrew Carnegie, Bob Hope and Albert Einstein as examples - what were we thinking allowing these foreigners to get their hands in American politics?

Just like Richard Nixon when he lied to the American people about his high crimes and misdemeanors, Thomas Jefferson clearly had no respect for the eligibility requirements written in plain English - just another coincidence? - in the Constitution.