Stress at the University is universal. This is a very demanding school we go to, unless you’re a homeless person who has picked up this newspaper to protect yourself from the bitter mountain rains that sweep down like a merciless mother tigress from the east, which probably isn’t the case since this article is probably only going to be put online, which naturally leads to the question: how did you, a homeless person, get a computer? Shouldn’t you sell your computer and try to rent a room or something? Why do you even have a computer? Where do you plug it in? And come right down to it, why do homeless guys always have dogs? Dogs are expensive. Like that one guy on the Corner who has a pug. Pugs have all these weird medical issues like sometimes their eyeballs pop out if they strain against a collar too much. Google it if you don’t believe me, but you’ll be sorry you did.
As usual, I’m getting away from my original point, which is that we’re all under a lot of stress all the time at this school. Something is always causing us worry, be it classes, extracurricular activities or disturbingly sexual dreams about your roommate (Philippe, call me). So how do we handle this stress? With alcohol. See you all next time.
If you’re one of those people who doesn’t drink (I believe the common vernacular is “weiners”) don’t be afraid. I’m here to help. What follows are my top five tips for effective stress management.
ONE: Take “you time.” This could be anything from taking a nap to getting coffee with a friend to lying on the cool, tiled floor in a bathroom stall in Clemons clutching a textbook to your chest, sobbing gently and whispering “Clarissa….” over and over again as a confused first year knocks on the door and wonders if he should call someone. What’s important is that you are taking some time to do something you want to do and not letting “the man” dictate your every waking minute. (Teresa Sullivan, in this example, would be “the man,” but this author wants to take the time to let you know he is in fact aware she is a woman, because he cares about the details.)
TWO: Prioritize. Do you really need to go to class today, or could that time be more effectively spent studying for a midterm? You have to decide what’s really important. Here’s an example of prioritizing from my own life. I had two things that absolutely needed doing. The first was writing this article, and the second was going on imdb.com and reading stuff about superhero movies. Obviously, the article was of secondary importance. This decision decreased my stress level no end, and even putting stress-reduction benefits aside, if I hadn’t made that decision I never would have found the following incredibly insightful comment left on an article by one Moayad Almarzook about whether or not Joseph Gordon-Levitt would be playing Antman. Almarzook wrote: “ummm I wonder how the human tourch and captain america would meet u know since they are played by the same guy !!” Moayad Almarzook knows what’s up.
THREE: Don’t overcommit yourself. So you’re staying caught up on all your homework, doing a club or two, and spending time with friends, and your schedule is basically full. But then your friend David catches you on the street one day and tells you he’s trying to start this group and he really wants you to co-found it with him. You know you don’t have the time, but David’s a friend and the group sounds really interesting, so you decide you’ll give it a shot, and the next thing you know your compound is on fire and surrounded by FBI agents, because that was David Koresh and you just helped found the Branch Davidians. You idiot.
FOUR: Make sure you eat, sleep, and practice basic hygiene. It’s easy to let these fall by the wayside. If I had a nickel for every time I had to skip a shower to get to a rehearsal on time, I would have a layer of nickels stuck in my crusty filth-caked skin.
FIVE: Be honest with yourself and others. If you’ve taken on too much and it’s stressing you out, it’s time to cut a few things from your schedule. You’re not a superhero; you can’t do it all. And your sanity and health are far more important than anything else, so if you have to leave some things unfinished, don’t think that that makes you any less of a wor
Chris Bauer is a humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily.
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