Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — In widely controversial statements made at a Board of Visitors meeting Monday, University President Scott Beardsley expressed serious interest in seizing "academic territory” in Blacksburg, home of rival school Virginia Tech. Community members have since expressed varying degrees of concern, and other schools in the Atlantic Coast Conference have set aside their differences to defend Virginia Tech.
Monday’s meeting — which was originally intended as an introduction for Board members appointed by Gov. Abigail Spanberger — quickly went awry when President Beardsley leapt to his feet without warning and shifted the focus of the meeting to discuss his territorial claims over the whole of Blacksburg, Virginia.
“The University of Virginia should have absolute control over the academic decisions happening within its own state. It is crucial that we acquire the town of Blacksburg as our own academic territory, whether Virginia Tech likes it or not,” Beardsley said.
“That means we take lecture halls, dining halls, everything that they have,” Beardsley said. “If the Hokies want to talk money, I’m sure you all on the Board will be able to handle that. But if it comes down to force, we can rally the Ambassador corps to do things the hard way.”
The Board, stunned into a moderate, left-leaning silence, did not act immediately to rebuke Beardsley, and several Youngkin holdovers were seen nodding in nervous agreement. After saying his piece, Beardsley ended the meeting early before Board members or onlookers could ask clarifying questions.
Despite the ominous tone of the remarks, the most common reaction among students was confusion and indifference over Beardsley’s sweeping declarations, with many preoccupied by snow-related activities instead.
“What do we want Tech’s dining halls for? Like, I get that our food is worse than other schools’ in every conceivable way, but does U.Va. really need Tech’s food ‘whether they like it or not?’” first-year College student Barry Hungary said.
“Maybe Beardsley’s just pressed that we lost such a close basketball game. Or maybe our campus at Wise isn’t enough. Anyway, I can’t be too mad about whatever happens, dude, I’m still nursing a hangover from that sick Sigma Ligma snarty” second-year Engineering student Buddy Lightwise said.
Other students, however, were far more critical. Executive members of Student Council, the Batten Undergraduate Council and Cereal Club came together to sign a letter condemning any potential action taken to acquire Blacksburg.
Furthermore, ACC schools have declared their intent to protect Virginia Tech from fellow ACC member school U.Va.
“We will do everything in our power to ensure that Virginia Tech remains an independent institution, even if we’re not quite sure why we’re in the Atlantic Coast Conference in the first place,” University of California Chancellor Rich Lyons said. “Virginia Tech is not for sale … at least, not the main campus anyway.”
In response to this mounting pressure, Beardsley sent a letter of his own to the University community via email in further defense of his ambitions.
“I have an overwhelming mandate from the people of this University who appointed me to serve as the 10th president, and I am more than entitled to use it,” reads a portion of the statement released by Beardsley.
“Despite that, I’ve gone a real long time as a dean without winning the Pale Z Award, so I’m not quite sure I feel an obligation to think purely of enhancing the lives of our students anymore,” Beardsley said.
In the 12 hours following the release of Beardsley’s letter, $100 flex dollar signing bonuses spurred Ambassador recruitment to soar by 500 percent, signaling potential preparations for the University to acquire Blacksburg by force. Virginia Tech and many pundits have since declared that such an action could spell the end of the ACC and destroy the norms of otherwise manageable college rivalries.
“This sets a dangerous precedent for the academic world,” Virginia Tech analyst Chris P. Hoki said. “What authority would we have to stop Duke from claiming a lecture hall or two in Chapel Hill? To stop Harvard from poaching some rich boys from Yale? It’d be a new world order, the worst thing we’ve seen since NIL money.”
Through it all, however, Beardsley’s closest allies have insisted that he’s simply joking and that any issue between institutions will be solved diplomatically. Beardsley denies this and insists that he will continue to “do whatever I can to get one up on those dang turkeys, so help me Wahoowa.”
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