Straight into a spooky Halloween edition of the #GoACC power rankings, wherein I compare every team to various phenomena I at least find terrifying:
1. No. 3 Florida State (no change)
Record: 7-0, 4-0 ACC
Last Week: W 49-17 vs. NC State
This Week: vs. No. 7 Miami
Scary entity comparison: The Monstars from “Space Jam,” only if they meshed as a cohesive unit and convinced a squinting Michael Jordan to play with them.
The bizarre football Monstars definitely would have racked up 52.6 points per game and dug double-digit deficits for their opponents by halftime in all but one of their seven contests.
2. No. 7 Miami (up 1)
Record: 7-0, 3-0 ACC
Last Week: W 24-21 vs. Wake Forest
This Week: at No. 3 Florida State
Scary entity: A rickety, swinging bridge in a Hurricane
Though I’m treating Miami to the two spot as a nod to the sublime Duke Johnson and his all-purpose prowess, I would refrain from trusting them this weekend. Getting torched by Bryn Renner and Tanner Price in back-to-back weeks hardly screams “stability” as you brace for the Winston onslaught.
3. No. 8 Clemson (down 1)
Record: 7-1, 5-1 ACC
Last Result: W 40-27 at Maryland
This Week: at Virginia
Scary entity: Buying furniture from Craigslist
Craigslist has proven itself a useful channel for purchasing secondhand items on the cheap, just as Clemson — despite the Florida State debacle — has validated itself as a fringe BCS bowl contender. Still, the worry persists that in the next few days I’ll eventually look under the cushion and find an errant Tajh Boyd interception (five in the last four weeks), a defense yielding a huge passing play (oodles in the last couple games), or moldy socks. Note: the fear factor escalates by 28 if the man selling you the furniture goes by “Dabo.”
4. Georgia Tech (up 1)
Record: 5-3, 4-2 ACC
Last Week: W 35-25 at Virginia
This Week: vs. Pittsburgh
Scary entity: Troy Aikman’s enormous hands.
Just terrifying. It’s like Mickey Mouse took a crash course on telling me that the Packers really need to score a touchdown here if they want to tie the game, down by 7.
Insipid and errant as Aikman’s insights can be, however, he at least provides more than Dan Dierdorf. Similar to Aikman in the broadcasting booth, Georgia Tech offers a known quantity of mediocrity and inconsistency. The Yellow Jackets annually field a six-to-eight win squad with a passable defense, a rambling tangent of a passing game and the scary yet perversely entertaining “giant hands” type gimmick of that triple option offense.
5. Duke (up 3)
Record: 6-2, 2-2 ACC
Last Week: W 13-10 at No. 14 Virginia Tech
This Week: Bye
Scary entity: The quality of Taco Bell’s meat
Look, no one should fault Taco Bell for building an effective business model, or David Cutcliffe for elevating what amounted to the Arby’s bathroom of football programs into a legitimate team. But while the Blue Devils can impress on occasion, they are more suited for consumption in a sketchy parking lot at 3 a.m. than as an actual meal.
6. Virginia Tech (down 2)
Record: 6-1, 3-1 ACC
Last Week: L 13-10 vs. Duke
This Week: at Boston College
Scary entity: Tomatoes
I barely care that tomatoes, like defenses that lead the ACC in yards allowed and turnovers forced, possess nutritional value. They stink, I’m picking them out of my salad, and they deserved to lose to Duke for supplying such an unpleasant experience.
7. Wake Forest (up 2)
Record: 4-4, 2-3 ACC
Last Week: L 24-21 at No. 7 Miami
This Week: at Syracuse
Scary entity: Dentist appointments
The chic team to classify as woeful earlier this season, Wake Forest has evolved into a bearable outfit thanks to the steady stewardship of Jim Grobe, D.D.S. In the past three games, by the way, Demon Deacons quarterback Tanner Price has gone 75-of-120 with 801 yards, six touchdowns and two picks, a run of adequacy more ludicrous three weeks ago than the things I say when on laughing gas.
8. Maryland (up 2)
Record: 5-3, 1-3 ACC
Last Week: L 40-27 vs. No. 9 Clemson
This Week: Bye
Scary entity: Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars
The Terrapins’ physical feebleness has enlightened opponents to the fact that they could easily just toss brittle, injury-prone Maryland, once so menacing, into a bottomless pit. Is Jar Jar Binks the trainer over there?
9. Boston College (down 3)
Record: 3-4, 1-3 ACC
Last Week: L 34-10 at North Carolina
This Week: vs. Virginia Tech
Scary entity: Cargo Shorts
I won’t be a snob and deny my past involvement with and support for cargo shorts or 2013 Boston College football — both, I believed, harbored potential that far outstripped their unsavory reputations. In light of their dismal performance against a 1-5 North Carolina team that included 59 net passing yards, however, the Eagles now look as sketchy as all that unnecessary pocket space I once tried to rationalize.
10. Pittsburgh (down 3)
Record: 4-3, 2-2 ACC
Last Week: L 24-21 at Navy
This Week: at Navy
Scary entity: “Wuthering Heights”
Regardless of evidence to the contrary, I’ll always maintain that watching Pitt is as ponderous, exasperating and ultimately daunting an experience as reading Emily Bronte’s opus.
11. North Carolina (no change)
Record: 2-5, 1-3 ACC
Last Week: W 34-10 vs. Boston College
This Week: at NC State
Scary entity: Discerning whether to run to class when late and look goofy in front of hundreds of people
The Tar Heels pressed snooze on their alarm a few too many times in 2013, only clambering out of bed a couple weeks ago against Miami. With Duke by far the most dangerous opponent remaining on its schedule, however, North Carolina can parlay Bryn Renner and the defense’s recent resurgences into salvaging a bowl appearance, if it can get over its wounded collective ego.
12. Syracuse (no change)
Record: 3-4, 1-2 ACC
Last Week: Bye
This Week: vs. Wake Forest
Scary entity: Carrot Top
Marginally talented and too orange. This analogy was like shooting fish in a barrel.
13. NC State (no change)
Record: 3-4, 0-4 ACC
Last Week: L 49-17 at No. 3 Florida State
This Week: vs. North Carolina
Scary entity: A rat the size of Trindon Holliday lurking in your bedroom
This nightmare actually occurred for me over the summer, just as the last three games actually happened for NC State. Opponents have outscored the Wolfpack 101-40 since Oct. 5, which somehow underplays the squad’s abhorrent play.
14. Virginia (no change)
Record: 2-6, 0-4 ACC
Last Week: The nadir
This Week: vs. No. 8 Clemson
None of the aforementioned entities is all that scary, of course. After the dust had settled on another calamitous weekend for Virginia football last Saturday, I started pondering something that is.
If 2012 injected a grim but necessary dose of reality after 2011’s euphoria, 2013 has thrust something far more pernicious upon Cavalier players, fans and followers: a sense of futility. For all the indicators of a promising future for the Cavaliers, and all the flashes of genuine quality, an air of inevitability has poisoned these past few weeks: as if Virginia games are destined to devolve into a mirthless, meaningless comedy of brain farts, stumbles and horrid luck despite people’s best efforts. Worst of all, the travails of this team mirror some of my worst fears, the ones you tend to dwell on when your last year in college is eroding before your eyes. When reality looms in the encroaching distance, the prospect of blowing the chance to metaphorically win a game in which you cause five turnovers becomes a legitimate possibility.
In reality, however, that fear is no more authentic than the one of Troy Aikman’s massive mitts. I still have oodles to learn both about sports and life, but I’ve seen and experienced enough to guess that everything happens for a reason, and that nothing is inevitable. Though wins and losses matter, they do not define an athlete, a team or a fan-base as much as the process itself of struggling to achieve a goal.
With morale lower than I have ever seen surrounding the football program, it behooves us all to retain a little perspective. I have no idea if Mike London will ever lead the Cavaliers to glory, or even whether any of us will care all that much when men’s basketball begins and women’s soccer is gunning for a national title. But I suspect that, in the end, enduring 2013 Virginia football will be worth it for all who see the storm through. Really, there’s nothing to be afraid of.
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