Who would you get lunch with if you could get lunch with anyone, living or dead? I was recently asked this question, and my mind immediately went to Oprah. Our lunch would be at her house in Hawaii, and we would harvest the food ourselves on her farm. While Oprah is clearly the right answer to this question, I wonder what the answer would look like if we limited the options to people who have been or currently are U.Va. students, staff or faculty.
1. Tina Fey: If I chose Tina, I assume Amy Poehler would join, because I imagine the two best friends do absolutely everything together — including getting lunch with me. We would eat waffles and talk about my formal induction as their newest best friend.
2. Edgar Allen Poe Statue in Alderman: While the obvious choice would be to have lunch with Mr. Poe himself, I feel Poe’s statue might have some juicy secrets to share. Do the books come alive at night? Do some people stay after hours and get caught up in mischievous behavior? What is the worst thing someone has dressed you up in?
3. The first streaker ever: I would love to hear him recount the story of the fateful night he had one too many Wahoos at Boylan. He would tell me that, while walking back to his Lawn room with his friends, he suddenly got an idea and his friends couldn’t stop him. They stood and watched while he screamed out, “Mark my words, in 30 to 35 years everyone will be doing this!”
4. Lou Bloomfield: There’s no joke here — Lou is just the sweetest man in the world. He has maintained the sense of adventure and enthusiasm that exists in kids, and that is surely something to admire. Perhaps he would let me in on his secret to being so wonderful.
5. Christian of Christian’s Pizza: Our lunch would be at his namesake and I would get the tortellini slice — if someone is smart enough to put pasta on pizza, I have to respect that genius by ordering it every time.
6. U.Va. Squirrel: During this lunch, the squirrel would sit in my frocket, which I am required to have on all my clothing as a University student. I would cook this meal myself — only the best for my squirrel pal. I would make an apple and acorn tart, a known favorite of our local squirrels. We would chat about all of the times he jumped out of garbage cans and surprise-attacked students, and I would inquire about how I can partake in this hilarious activity.
7. A family from Trick-or-Treating on the Lawn: Even though kids are tiny germ sacks and I normally wouldn’t want to put anything in my mouth when I am within 100 yards of a child, I would make an exception in this case. Babies in costume are undeniably adorable. There was a family one year with a little baby boy dressed as a lion, and when one of the family members got separated from the pack, the dad held up the son to catch the wanderer’s attention and reel her back in. This “The Lion King” scene made me wish I was part of this family.
8. Joe Harris: I will never give up on this dream. This wouldn’t be lunch, but it would instead be a romantic, candlelit dinner. And if Cards Against Humanity has taught me anything, it’s that “A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without…full frontal nudity.” The other choices were: “David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lightning” and “Hot cheese.” Although I can’t say I would complain about either of these happening as well.
Avery’s column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at a.moyler@cavalierdaily.com.
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