1. Leave for school on time
I will never sympathize with those who live close to school and complain about traffic. You decided to begin your leisurely two-hour drive at 4:00 p.m. and you’re upset you can’t go 70 mph down 29 listening to Hitkicker 97? Boohoo. Think about the little guys like me; the ones who have to leave before you’re even considering waking up just to hit traffic through the entire state of New Jersey, then around Baltimore, then on the beltway before we even reach the traffic you cause on 29. Plus, we’ve been listening to the same playlist on our phones for the past nine hours made up of four songs from first year that remind us of the “good times.” That was a good idea for 10 minutes, but remembering those good times now gives me a secondhand hangover and I haven’t touched alcohol since I swore off it on New Year’s Day. Don’t tell me to listen to the radio instead — I can’t unplug my phone’s GPS or I’ll get severely lost.
2. Get off your phone
But only after you finish reading this article, because no one likes a quitter and I’m sure this is the most intellectually-stimulating thing you’ve done since finishing finals. You’re welcome, and stop smirking at me because I’m not letting you use iMessage on your computer either. That counts as a phone in my book, and your computer-as-a-phone substitute is pretty worthless considering you can’t access Snapchat. Stop with the selfies and let me introduce a new phenomenon — patent pending — I call the SelFeat. It’s when you accomplish something yourself, committing a feat of some sort.
3. Seriously, stop watching DJ Khaled’s Snap stories
If you’re not going to get off your phone (I know you won’t, don’t lie to me) then at least use your phone for good and not stupid. DJ Khaled’s whole “follow me on the path to success bless up” thing was funny for all of four minutes. But now his path is on a fast track to irritating and I’ve had enough. They don’t want you to eat breakfast? Who are they? What’s wrong with egg whites? Why do you need to get your hair cut twice in three days? Metal lions don’t need to be watered; there’s a drought in California and you are being extremely insensitive. Also, no one really wants to see you rubbing yourself in the shower.
4. Learn how to cook one dish
We’re starting small here: maybe it’s just boiling pasta or pouring batter into a waffle iron without getting it anywhere. Maybe it’s just toasting something without burning it or nailing the perfect peanut butter to jelly ratio on a sandwich. If you’re worrying about time, don’t. The amount of time you’ll spend cooking something small will be shorter than the time you’ll spend waiting in line for Roots, anyway. I’m not saying you’re about to be the next Bobby Flay, but go check out the application for Iron Chef if you’re bored.
5. Watch a show in season
I propose this for two reasons. One, it’s a doable antidote to binge-watching tendencies and two, it gives you a tangible weekly reward for doing some of your work. Did you finish one of the readings for the class that assigns so much reading it’s almost futile to try? Watch that episode! Did you remember to bring your gloves to class and thus had warm hands the whole walk there? Watch that episode! Did you smile at someone you’d normally walk right past with your head down? Watch that episode… then consider building social skills!
6. Get a haircut and go to the dentist
I include this solely because I think every mother in America has been telling their children to do this since they left for school. I scheduled them both Mom, I promise.
7. Wash your sheets
We all fall victim to the ultimate dilemma: you know your sheets need to be washed, but thinking about where you’re going to lay while your sheets are being cleaned is daunting. And don’t even get me started on trying to get the fitted sheet onto the mattress – it’s so much cardio that I often rationalize it as a trip to the gym and reward myself with a bowl of ice cream eaten in my newly clean sheets. Yes, this may seem antithetical to cleanliness, but I think meals in bed are one of the world’s simplest pleasures.
8. Stop eating meals in bed
That being said, stop. Go socialize with your roommates or friends and save yourself from having to wash your sheets again after you inevitably spill something on them. As someone who once dumped an entire order of dumplings on my duvet cover, I can confidently tell you that your room — and your body — will smell like soy sauce for weeks. Plus, that kitchen table you and your roommates just had to buy is probably feeling lonely and could use some love.
9. Write it down
Before you roll your eyes at me, I want to clarify that I am not telling you to keep a diary and write Mrs. [First Name] Bieber all over it. Whether it be on your phone or with actual pen and paper, take the time to jot down that song you heard in a restaurant or the name of a new brunch place you heard about. Or, if drawing floats your boat, do that too. The Ancient Egyptians communicated via hieroglyphs, so if anyone says you’re being childish, tell them you’re simply recalling history.
10. Ban the phrase “new year, new me” from your vocabulary
I conclude with what has to be the most annoying phrase ever. Though you may have healthier or cheerier intentions, you are the exact same person you were about 12 hours ago. And, most likely, with the same hangover as last year too. Try saying something less dumb — I’ll help you out. New year, new and probably fleeting intentions to go to the gym more. Or, new year, new desire to stop counting french fries as a vegetable. A personal favorite: new year, new — but already failed — attempt to stop rolling my eyes all the time.
Annie’s column runs biweekly. She can be reached at a.mester@cavalierdaily.com.
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