1. Ashley, the barista from Starbucks
Ashley from Starbucks has got her coffee routine on lock. She is never fazed by the long lines that seem to wrap around the entire room, even though the look of all those people sends me into a frenzy of second-hand anxiety for the baristas. She can literally do anything — she’s in a different place every day, whether she’s preparing food, taking orders or barista-ing. She always makes my drink just right, and I am certain that Starbucks would fall apart without her.
2. That one Northline bus driver
You guys know who I’m talking about, right? He has long white and gray hair with a beard and mustache to match. He’s always rocking some bling, and he never hesitates to sing along to the radio at full force. I would even bet you that his hair is healthier than mine. With his singing voice, he could definitely join some hard-rock barbershop quartet or something. Keep doing you, my dude, and keep making my day.
3. CavDog and CavPup
Baxter and Jack, known as CavDog and CavPup, respectively, are staples of the University community, both human and canine. They belong to Dean Jeanine Lalonde, the associate dean of Admissions, and they go with her everywhere and take lots and lots of pictures. What I wouldn’t do to pet their lucious, golden locks or shake their manicured paws. These dogs are better Wahoos than I am, and I would even bet they have more apparel than I do.
4. Kathryn Thornton
This lady went to SPACE, the Final Frontier, the Ultimate Void, the source of all my nightmares, four times. She has logged 975 hours in space, which is just about 487 two-hour naps in my book. What an absolute icon to choose to launch herself into a place that we can only see four percent of and have no idea how the heck it works. Then, although she could have retired and lived a super awesome life full of relaxing and giving speeches here and there to make a living, she came back to the University to teach our alcoholic, sleep-deprived souls.
5. Miss Kathy
Miss Kathy can brighten anyone’s day with just one hug. She loves everything about everyone. That’s why her smile is so big. She’s full of happiness. In fact, she’s so cheerful that I heard her smile is insured for $10,000. I hear she does toothpaste commercials … in Japan. One time, she met Oprah on a plane. She told her she was nice. I trust her with my life. I would honestly let her be the grandmother to my future children. Sorry, Mom.
6. Katie Couric
I’ll admit as a so-called journalist I may be a little biased, but she is literally so cool. She has reported for almost every major news network in her long career, and she is currently reporting at the Olympics in Pyeongchang. Couric has had a variety of adventures in her life and even had the guts to undergo a colonoscopy and mammogram on live television, which is so brave but also so weird at the same time. Obviously, she has a busy schedule, but she still found time to join us for the Bicentennial Launch Celebration last semester. We can only dream of living a life as wild and successful as Katie Couric’s someday, but I hope your colon never ends up on live TV.
7. John Nau
I know approximately zero things about John Nau except for the fact that he donated the money for the Nau Center for Civil War History, and the most beautiful building on Grounds – except our lovely Rotunda, of course — is named after him. Its sprawling windows, beautiful staircases and quick access to Starbucks is truly inspiring to my meager, meaningless life. He probably didn’t have much to do with the architectural choices, so maybe I should be praising the designer instead, but either way, we are all so fortunate to interact with this building on a day-to-day basis.
8. Tina Fey
You were probably so distracted by Thomas Jefferson that you forgot that one of today’s comedy greats graduated from here. That’s right! Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live actress, star of “30 Rock” and partner to Amy Poehler might have sat in the same seat you sit in right now as you read this article. She was a Lawn-streaking, “Good-‘Ol-Song”-singing Wahoo just like you, and look at where she is now. So maybe dreams do really come true.
9. The dumpling truck owners
Bless them. Bless them and their beautiful dumplings and Thai iced tea and egg fried rice. They have perfected their trade to the point where it is a privilege to stand in that line and wait almost 20 minutes for food because as soon as it hits your tongue, the day’s worries and strifes simply melt away. Their food is so life-changing that I would argue they are more influential than Thomas Jefferson in my everyday life. Stay golden, my sweet little pork dumplings.
What have I accomplished, you ask? So much. I got out of bed today. I went up a flight of stairs and only got mildly winded. There was a piece of lettuce on my sandwich at lunch. I’ve seen so much at this school — from a naked man riding a skateboard to a lady in a wheelchair rolling herself across JPA — that I am basically an expert. My cat and I are pretty much the face of The Cavalier Daily, and I’m humble to boot. I know it must be intimidating to go to school with such a star, but I promise I’m just like everyone else – just a little bit funnier.