You’re hanging out with ya squad, everybody’s swapping stories and suddenly Chad says, “And yeah, we hooked up.” Everything is suddenly in slow motion, your heart seems to stop and you can feel a bead of sweat forming on your forehead. It’s happening again. Those two dreaded words have come back to haunt you, forever taunting you with their ambiguity. What the freak does “hook up” mean? You desperately try to remember the context of the story, but you’re drawing a blank. You weren’t listening, you never listen. You look around — everybody’s laughing and smiling, almost in slow motion. Do they all know what Chad means? Is it the beast with two backs? Some manual action? A lil’ bit of heavy petting? You can’t ask for specifics, the moment’s passed. Chad’s moved on, everybody’s moved on, but you can’t seem to. Sounds familiar? We’ve all been there. Even me, Veronica Sirotic, humor editor of The Cavalier Daily. The maddening ambiguity of “hook up” disturbs even the sanest of us. Who on earth knows what “hook up” means? I decided to take matters into my own hands and do a little bit field research. I reached out to the horniest group on Grounds, First Year Players. First Year Players is the oldest and largest theater organization at the University, as well as some of the most sexually frustrated people I have ever met. Theater kids, who knew! I sent out a simple poll to the Listserv — seen below. Twenty-six people filled out the poll within the first minute. Ah drama kids, they’re as speedy as they are horny. The results were astonishing. 66.1 percent of the respondents believed that “hooking up” meant “sex”, while 50.0 percent of the respondents believed that “hooking up” meant “make out” — you could select more than one option. Below is the current graph of all the responses. What a jump from make out to hand stuff! What was the truth? What is the TRUE meaning of “hook up”? I was still bamboozled. Luckily, the “Additional Comments” section had some useful truth nuggets. One person added, “It can mean anything from touching pinky fingers to anal.” Another person wrote, “If you couldn’t get kicked out of the club for doing it on the dance floor, it’s not hooking up.” And perhaps most eloquently, one person wrote, “Idk, depends on boobs.” The English language is a beautiful thing. It seemed like nobody knew what “hook up” actually meant. Location was a factor that was mentioned in some of the other comments. One person wrote, “Personally I consider a hookup to mean that you move locations. Like if you're at a party and you move to a bedroom upstairs or leave to go back to someone's place — that is a hookup.” Another wrote, “Anything you shouldn’t be doing out in the open!! As in you have to leave a public space to find a private space for the action y’know what I’m sayin...” I was so confused. A tongue is a tongue, no matter the location, right? Maybe that’s what those realtors were really communicating to us the entire time — “Location, location, location!” Perhaps the ambiguity of “hook up” was actually an empowering tool for women! Women would not have to shamed for their sexual acts because they are left to the audience’s imagination. This is the beginning of the sexual revolution, this is the movement. However, my dreams of a progressive, gender-egalitarian society are dashed in the next comment: “Hook up is an umbrella term so guys can make people think they got further than they actually did, and so girls can make people think they went less far than they actually did.” Ah. Sounds about right. The words “hook up” still can be used to demean women. As can everything. I exited out of my Google poll, still terribly, terribly confused. Dear reader, I have ultimately decided to turn to the masses — the common man. I turn to you, dear reader. What do the words “hook up” mean to you? Email, call, text or page me anytime. This is my Everest. This is my journey. Fill out my survey here. Veronica Sirotic is the Humor editor. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.