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Spring Break haircut found to improve every aspect of life

<p>There is a peak length to cut off for maximum success in life.</p>

There is a peak length to cut off for maximum success in life.

Did you get your mandatory spring break haircut? If you didn’t you might be living as the worst version of yourself. Several studies have found data that supports the correlation between your new haircut and everything in life working out like you want it to.

I got the chance to interview the lead scientist, Prof. Chris Elliott, conducting research on this very topic right here at the University. He told me that the study included a diverse group of students all living their best life since returning from spring break. 

“We tested for all different success scenarios and found that unanimously, it was the spring break haircut that was leading to the desired outcomes,” Elliott said. “In one extreme case we found that the spring break haircut seemed to alter the universal time continuum and effect something that happened before spring break. One of the students in the study took a midterm before break and got the score back after the spring break haircut. Astonishingly they reported doing better on the exam than they expected to do, somehow earning the only 105 percent the professor has ever awarded. After intense analytical focus and several computer simulations on this occurrence we can definitely say that even though the professor was yet to see it, the haircut was surely what improved the grade.”

The results, however, cannot be accurately displayed with a curve because the relationship in haircut length and success is different for every individual. There is a peak length to cut off for maximum success in life. Don’t cut enough, and people won’t notice. Cut too much, and you’ll no longer be yourself. However, fear not, an end to barber shop indecision is near.

A study from Stanford University has found that the this “peak cut” as they refer to it, can be represented as a percentage of the subject’s existing hair pre-cut. Lead data analyst Alyssa Grey commented, “The peak seems to be in cutting between 10 and 13 percent of hair length. So this clearly yields a more drastic change in subjects with longer hair, for example a girl with 16 inch long hair would be best advised to get about 2 to 3 inches cut while she is home for spring break for maximum haircut effect.” 

This percentage is closely related to the amount of dead hair that needs to be removed and this number may fluctuate depending on one’s hair care routine producing some outliers. 

One participant of the study was quoted saying, “Cutting off 12 percent of my hair gave me a fresher, outright angelic look and I came back from spring break as an all-around better person in every possible way. Sometimes, when I stare at myself in the mirror for a while I can see a halo, I’ve been feeling like a truly perfect person since my trip to the salon, and I think everyone at school can tell how great I am.”

An independent research project based in Boston has been conducting research into the extremes of spring break hair altering. 

Project Manager Martin Scholl told me, “We’re looking into the effects of drastic spring break changes. This can go anywhere from extreme cuts like buzz cuts or eight inch donations to wig making companies all the way to highlights, dye-jobs, or full-on perms.” 

The researchers get paid volunteers from a variety of schools, with nearly 50 colleges and universities in the Boston metropolitan area. These students are all willing to make drastic changes to their hair in the name of science. They put their Instagramablity on the line for these important advancements in the field. I got the chance to speak to one of the brave participants who went for the full on buzzcut. 

“I used to have kind of long hair, kinda like 2012 Bieber. I’ve always thought that’s the look for me. But when the barber spun me around to face the mirror after shaving it all off I definitely thought ‘hmmm.’ It’s kinda made me like a whole new person because almost no one can recognize me now that they can see my forehead.”

The group has found that the subjects of their research receive many more comments, however they are facing difficulty determining if this attention is overall negative or positive. Some subjects reporting comments such as “Oh, you changed your hair,” or “Wow, that’s a really interesting new look.” With inconclusive results like these, it seems like the Stanford 10 percent is the way to go.

While we all await the official publication of these research findings into science journals, the best we can do is look at what they’ve found so far and are willing to share. If I learned anything from interviewing these innovative scientists it would be to make sure you schedule an appointment at the salon over spring break. It may be tough to schedule in the short 10 day break, but your grades, social life and personal relationships will thank you. 

Emma Klein is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at .