To the top brass from General D. Isecours, commander at the religious front of the US culture wars


After compiling the reports of our intelligence officers in the field, it has become readily apparent that a storm is brewing on the front lines.

Callie Collins | Cavalier Daily

After compiling the reports of our intelligence officers in the field, it has become readily apparent that a storm is brewing on the front lines.  Thanks to the sacrifice of many brave young men and women, we have learned that the time is ripe for the annual sortie known as Easter. It may not be as large an assault as Christmas, but the chaos in its timing cannot be understated. The exact date is never quite known until it occurs, so at any point after Peeps appear in the supermarket, our troops are liable to be assaulted by baskets lined with multicolored filaments of unknown origin, strange ellipsoid grenades that release chemicals known to cause diabetes, and bizarre anthropomorphic lagomorphs that chase children in shopping malls. Beyond that, the lines are likely to be awash in all varieties of evangelical subterfuge — which we must deal with accordingly. For instance: 

1) As we found out the hard way, freaks coated in an esoteric war paint created from the remains of scorched palm leaves have swarmed various locales as a sort of intimidation tactic. It is unknown if such a ritual will be repeated later in the year, but if you haven’t done so already, take down the names of those who engaged in the ceremony and keep tabs on each individual on the list — doing so can save your life.   

2) Fat old men are liable to swarm every public locale, festivity, or college campus they lay their eyes on in an attempt to create converts and raise money before the holiday. Decoy parks will be constructed to rally them into wasting their resources in unpopulated areas, but some may still find their way to civilized society. In this scenario, it is best to avoid all contact — they only become more convinced that the world is damned if they sense apathy towards their cause. If you must speak to one, know that they may be handing out small pamphlets or tracts packed with sanctimonious duplicity of the vilest sort. Under no circumstances should you read them. These pamphlets are merely propaganda used to advance their sinister agenda. If you are handed such material, act graciously, leave the vicinity immediately, and place it in a sealed container so that it can be mailed to one of our analysts trained to derive intel from such nonsense. However, tracts by the man known as Jack T. Chick are worthless and should be appropriated for use in target practice. 

3) If you receive a card in the mail depicting a crucifix, colored eggs or small animals such as chicks or rabbits, throw it on the ground to prevent exposure to it or its packaging. Do not be tempted by the prospect of it containing valuables or kind words from grandparents; burn it immediately and call the authorities. They will perform proper sterilization procedures on the remains to ensure the safety of those in your vicinity. Remember: loose slips sink ships. 

Now, these are but a taste of the nameless horrors our enemy will sling our way between today and April, so bases are to remain on lockdown until the threat passes. Any weak links in our command produced by this ideological barrage are to be immediately dealt with by the most savage means available to this army. Furthermore, each soldier in the field shall be issued a book on Nietzsche and a rocket launcher to be used indiscriminately until we reach the relative safety of the summer months. 

Last but foremost: we cannot let our communications become public. Any hint of our plans could cause popular right-wing news outlets to relay the full extent of our moves against Easter to the world. Many men died during the winter offensive on Christmas — we cannot allow a similar tragedy to occur again. Keep a cool head, and do not be afraid to make use of the heavy artillery you’ve been issued. We’ve survived Advent — we can survive this.  

  • Gen. Isecours. 

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