I’m sorry, y’all. I couldn’t do it. This isn’t a comedy article solely because I’m so dang depressed about them 2018 Oscars. I didn’t even watch it; I was too busy playing video games and getting high off of silly string.
Okay, that’s not entirely true, I did watch the Best Picture nomination, and that’s what really broke my soft and fragile heart. It’s because of what won amongst all those beautiful gems of films from last year.
(WARNING: Potential spoilers ahead for Best Picture Nominees. Sort of.)
And what won Best Picture? The Shape of Water which is a clever title because WATER has no inherent SHAPE. Yes, that movie. That fish-sexing movie condoning bestiality which — I don’t know if you know this — is illegal. I mean mixing species? Remember the liger? Remember the mule? Remember how those turned out? Imagine all the little human/fish monstrosities riding in their parents’ shopping carts at the local Walmart. Those poor, disgusting infertile bastards of nature looking up at you with large wobbly eyes.
Meanwhile, we had all those heavy hitters of 2017 making some progressive-ass moves - not condoning sick twisted sexual acts. We had Call Me By Your Name, which bravely declared that Armie Hammer is an extremely talented and handsome actor. For one of my close friends, this simple statement has sent him into a frenzy. He won’t stop now. I wake up every morning and check my messages on my hip new iPhone. Sure enough, another text from him: “Armie Hammer is a very attractive man” or “Wow Armie Hammer looks really great when he dances” or “Damn wish my girlfriend was more like Armie Hammer” or something like that.
Another key movie was Get Out, which was branded as a comedy at the Golden Globes (Or should I say “Old Globs.” Remember how funny that was back in 2017, such a carefree and happy time? Wait you don’t remember that joke? Do you even know who Jimmy Fallon is?) Except it’s not a comedy. It’s an important and relevant film and I can’t say anything funny about it. Except this: Get Out is a movie that will make you want to get out of the country. Check me out on Snapchat, Patreon and the Deep Web™. Always remember to like, comment and subscribe.
Of course, Lady Bird reminded me of several facts that I now hold close to my heart — One, telling someone you respect them and not making out with them is so much hotter than making out with them (especially when you’re not actually attracted to them mmm yummy.) Two, WHY DIDN’T 20th Century Women WIN ANYTHING AT LAST YEAR’S OSCARS?
Which brings me to The Florida Project. I know what you’re thinking. Chrissy Jay, my main man, what is that? ONLY ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF 2017 THAT GOT NO NOMINATIONS SAVE FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR FOR WILLEM DAFOE WHICH HE DEFINITELY DESERVED OVER THAT RANDOM GUY FROM THAT RANDOM MOVIE ABOUT BILLBOARDS OR SOMETHING.
Oh yeah, why didn’t Good Time at least get a nomination for best original score? I mean, Oneohtrix Point Never, anyone? No? Am I the only one that listens to experimental electronic music about the discovery that usually coincides with the beginning of one’s adolescence?
And we had my man Paul Thomas Anderson returning to the game with Phantom Thread, a movie about how great BDSM is. No, really, that’s what the movie is about. It’s 50 Shades of Gray but like, I don’t know, REALISTIC and ACTUALLY GOOD. Okay, maybe not that realistic… Sewing words into clothing? Who does that?
How could I forget Dunkirk and The Darkest Hour, both of which explored the horrors of World War II. Sounds interesting, but believe me when I say that the first few Call of Duty games go into much more depth examining the same subject matter. Honestly, I’d recommend just playing those games and skipping these two films.
And again, that billboard movie, which is like, “Hey, you know a good idea for a movie? Let’s take up two hours of your life talking about billboards.” Honestly, I was expecting more from that McDonagh fellow but whatever.
Also The Post was nominated for best picture. That is all I have to say about The Post.
And that about does it for the Best Picture Nominees, all of which deserved to win far more than The Shape of Stupid. Or maybe The Stupid of Water. Or maybe just The Stupid of Stupid 2: Stupid Fish Man Gets to Stupid Second Base.
Christopher Johnson is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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