A White House insider informed us that the mishap began when President Donald Trump walked past a mirror in the hallway and started loudly complaining about all the gross old people who are currently employed in the Executive Branch. “I am trying to get rid of all of them,” Trump said. “They’re so gross. I want them out. Like that guy,” he continued, gesturing at the mirror. “Who is he?! I want young and beautiful people like me. Believe me, it makes a difference. The world will stop laughing at us if everyone who worked here was fit like me. Like that guy. Who is he?! He’s even worse than mushy mouth Mitch McConnell.” ' Then, our source reported that an aide walking with a group informed the president that he was not looking through a window into another hallway but rather into a mirror. The president quickly became angry, turning to the aide and saying, “You’re fired, and whoever that guy is, he’s fired too!” Stunned silence filled the hall. The aide the president had just fired turned slowly and walked away. Witnesses to the incident reported hearing him murmur the word “freedom” repeatedly under his breath. “Why isn’t that other guy leaving?!” Trump questioned the staff gathered in the hall with him. “Are you too old to hear like Sanders or are you too stupid like Priebus? Well?! You have so much to learn from me because there really isn’t a smarter one. Anywhere, really! You can ask anyone except for the fake news press or the lying, dirty Dems. Well? Well? Did you hear me? You’re fired!” Our source reports that no one moved or spoke throughout the president’s rambling tirade. Vice President Mike Pence was the first to finally break the silence. “Sir, that's a mirror. You just fired yourself.” The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, noticed that the president’s anger was partially tinged with embarrassment, and hints of a red blush could be seen through his orange-tinted bronzer. Through a vent on the hall floor, Senior Advisor Jared Kushner’s pallid face could be seen. His eyes nearly bulging out of his head, it seemed as though the excitement was pulling his skin tighter than it normally was on his Voldemort-type skull. Atop a table in the hallway, a decorative vase began to rattle — out of it crawled Attorney General Jeff Sessions to witness the events that would follow. “Could it be?” both Kushner and Sessions thought. “Could this finally be the end of him?” The president’s eyes flitted back and forth, stopping once on the man in the mirror. The anger seemed to dissipate for a moment, and a type of pain shone through — a pain that seemed to ask, ‘Is this what I am? When did I become so physically repulsive?’ His expression hardened as he paced forward with new resolve. Pence followed quickly at his heels, trying desperately to not look at the president’s ass because he promised God and Mother that he would stop doing that. The aides and staffers who had watched the entire event unfold followed closely behind. Sessions and Kushner also slithered along the carpet to keep up, leaving a trail of rot and bile. The president stepped in front of the nearest TV, which was only 15 feet away due to the new Presidential Appeasement Program. The program was designed to increase positive stimulus to the president's brain at frequent intervals — implemented because it was found that after 40 seconds without praise, the President was prone to outburst. He stared at the television hoping for guidance and solace. He paled into a lighter shade than he had been in years as Sean Hannity yelled, “the president is never wrong and never makes mistakes.” At this point, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer entered the room, and he has told us his account of what happened from there. “Well, I walked in and it was instantly clear to me what had transpired, see,” Schumer said. “The president had invoked his full power to remove himself from office and I think that is his first decision we can all respect,” he said with a smirk. Schumer said that White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders entered the room and tried to regain control of the situation, which was a difficult task because all of the commotion had caused Kushner to begin molting. As Schumer reports, “His skin was coming off all over him, it was truly horrifying.” Sanders bellowed out to the gathered crowd, “The president was clearly joking when he made those remarks.” “Well, Sarah, how do you expect us to believe that?” Schumer continued. “It makes sense, firing himself, he fires everyone who disagrees with him and he contradicts himself all the time!” With the White House now on total lockdown it is unclear at this time whether President Trump’s words will be taken to their fullest extent, or if Special Counsel Robert Mueller has any comment on the validity of the incident. One thing is certain — there is no chaos. Emma Klein is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. '