As most of you already know, Brett Kavanaugh — angry white man, annoying yeller and accused perpetrator — was confirmed to the Supreme Court last month. As a woman, sexual assault prevention advocate and human being, I am still appalled. I only recently grew back my eyebrows. The man is clearly cray-cray and has way too much privilege than he knows how to handle. In an attempt to channel my very rational anger into something productive, I have composed a list of other things that make me rationally angry with which we humans have already successfully been able to cope for years. Why 26 items, you may ask? I shall explain! Brett Kavanaugh was born in 1965, making him 53 this year. The average life expectancy of a person in the United States, as of 2015, is 78.74 years. Rounding that to 79 and assuming Brett to be of average health, we can deduce that we have roughly 26 years of Brett to endure. (For the people in the back, 79 - 53 = 26.) Moral of the story, if we can endure the atrocities on this list, we can conquer anything and anyone.
Now, please enjoy my list.
- Pants: F—k ‘em.
- Celery: your negative calories are a myth and you get stuck in my teeth. Only peanut butter can elevate you to any level of remote decency.
- Angry white men: recognize your privilege and sit down.
- Chafing from the built-in underwear of athletic shorts: brutal, agonizing and utterly inhumane.
- People who get way too into Yahtzee: you are not making a cocktail, just roll the freaking dice.
- Women for Trump: realize your irony.
- Those little plastic doodads that hold socks together and are attached to tags: you are too small, you hurt my hands and I always lose at least four of you after an Aerie spree.
- People who are elitist about tap water: just, no.
- Flint still not having clean tap water: seriously?
- People who over-hype movies then talk through the whole thing: eat your popcorn, fool!
- Loud typing: I am 100 percent guilty of this, I even sometimes resent myself.
- Classes that go over by 40 seconds: that 10-minute sprint from Chem to Wilson is beyond non-ideal.
- People who are otherwise competent enough to function daily as humans but still cannot grasp the simple concept of consent: yes. Means. Yes.
- Butt sweat: aka swass.
- Swoobs: see No. 14 for a helpful hint!
- Pumpernickel bread: you are an imposter of chocolate bread and the crusher of children’s dreams.
- Lack of seasoning: she nasty.
- People who consider black pepper spicy: you need Jesus.
- Adults who litter: who raised you? Mother Earth, THAT’S who. Now, pick up your pods. They are, unsurprisingly, not biodegradable.
- The lack of recycling in the City of Charlottesville: why tho?
- Bellybuttons: Why can’t we all be like Kyle XY?
- Mansplaining: self-explanatory.
- People who do not like dessert: who hurt you?
- The nonsensical placement of women’s bathrooms: the gender of my bladder should not affect my education.
- Wet sports bras: aka the fastest way to inadvertently break your arm while performing a basic function.
- Dwelling on anger: things will get better, the good will rise. #KNOPE2020
Now do you see all that you have put up with for so long? Pat yourself on the back, for you are a true champ.
In conclusion, if you can survive the injustices of pants and unfortunate body sweat, you can survive anything that is to come. Furthermore, if you can bring yourself to do something as inconvenient as wearing some form of pants every day of your life, you sure as heck can bring yourself to vote.
Olivia Buckle is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.