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Your mom’s notes for your Thanksgiving place cards

<p>I spent a lot of time making sure everyone is seated in the perfect spot, so PLEASE pay attention.</p>

I spent a lot of time making sure everyone is seated in the perfect spot, so PLEASE pay attention.


Could you please lay out the place cards on the dining table for Thanksgiving? We have a lot of family coming in this year and they need to know where to sit. I spent a lot of time making sure everyone is seated in the perfect spot, so PLEASE pay attention. Attached are my notes.



Grandpa Joe: Closest to rolls (best for dentures), furthest from butter (cholesterol)

Grandma “Meemah” Miriam: Closest to butter (controlling), furthest from Joe (40 years of marriage = long time :-/)

Cousin Greg: Getting old (30s?) and still single. Repeatedly asked him if he was bringing “anyone special,” no avail. Seat next to empty chair to make point.

Cousin Jerry: Stopped returning my calls. Seat awkwardly at corner of table.

Soon-to-be-Mrs. Jerry: “Forget” to seat her. No good for that boy.

Cousin Gary: As far from stuffing as possible.

Uncle Craig: Against the wall at the far end; will have to scoot past eight people if he wants to take a cigarette break in the middle of dinner, again.

Cousin Jeffrey: Close enough to Craig to hear smoker’s cough. Reminder of what’s to come if he keeps smoking jewel.

Auntie Geraldine: Center of table with good view of backyard window. Reward for good pies. (if pies bad — next to Craig)

Uncle Harrison: End of table, far from Cousin Lenny (very liberal)

Cousin Lenny: Other end of table, far from Uncle Harrison (very conservative) (Am I worsening political polarization? Think on this)

Uncle Barry: Seat with subtle view of TV for football game.

Auntie Bernice: Seat across from Barry; will appear he’s looking at, interested in her.

Cousin Chris & Andrew: Cute couple. Seat between Joe & Meemah to remind them of young love, that times are changing, etc.

Mr. & Mrs. O’Donnell: Neighbors. Why no plans of their own? Pity seats next to gravy.

Ellie (age 15): Far enough from parents to feel independent; close enough to parents to feel pressure to talk to family members.

Christian (age 16): Close to Ellie (fun for teenagers to mope together). Note: NOT too close.

Cousin Dylan: Works at Google. Has Google money. Place near Christian (inspire ambition), in eyesight of Hughey (inspire envy).

Aunt Minerva: Far from Dylan. Shouldn’t have to look at successful boy, not with her Hughey still fooling around…

Isaiah (age 6), Tommy (age 5), Lucy (age 4): Kids table. Camaraderie, shenanigans, etc. Keep Lucy within cheek-pinching distance. If fighting/crying, QUICKLY push into basement.

Baby Rose (age “24 months?!”): Why do her parents still call her baby? Kids table, max distance from parents. Must learn self-sufficiency.

Hughey (age 23): Kids table. “Temporarily, while we wait for a position to open up” — just like he told Minerva before moving back in last June.

P.S. I thought it’d be fun if you sat next to Cousin Hughey! You two always did get along, and I thought it’d be good for you to see him so sad with no job, especially with your own graduation right around the corner. Love you!

Zach Schauffler is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at