Dear Juulian,
I’ve been dreading writing this letter, but there are some things I have to say. I keep hearing new rumors about you, and I can’t go on living like this. I need to be secure in our relationship, and new revelations have proven that as unlikely as U.Va. ever living down our UMBC loss.
Last year, we had something so, so special. From studying in Clem to partying at frats, we did everything together. I even wrote a letter professing my love to you. You were my everything. Our bond was stronger than your magnetic connection to your charger. But, alas, things have changed since then, and not for the better.
We’ve been having a rocky relationship for awhile, Juulian. Like Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber, our relationship has been on-again-off-again. There was the time I didn’t see you while I was on vacation. Then there was the time I vowed that I would quit you for good. I’ll admit, those three days really sucked and, like always, I ran back to your vapory embrace. But no more. Lately, you’ve only been making me happy late at night or on the weekends, and that’s no way to have a strong relationship. I used to suck you, but now you’re sucking the life out of me.
I keep hearing all of these terrible rumors about you, baby. People tell me that you have carcinogens! And that you’re bad for my lungs! They tell me that one pod of you has as much nicotine as a pack of cigarettes! I thought you were a strong, reliable man, but it turns out that you’re just like all the other boys at U.Va. Fake!
The final straw was when I learned that you would no longer come in mango. I specifically chose you because your flavors made you seem fun and exciting and not like the cigarette in disguise that I now know you to be. You catfished me! Not only did the news emotionally wound me, but instead of telling me yourself, I heard it from the New York Times! And you deleted your social media in the wake of the news? What is this, middle school? Maybe if you hadn’t been spending so much time there, none of this would have ever happened!
I’ve chickened out of writing this letter in the past, but memories of the one time I Juuled a tobacco-flavored pod motivate me to finish. Like, seriously, people act disgusted by Creme and Fruit, but neither of those can compare to the horror that is a tobacco Juul pod. Since Sheetz will only be selling Tobacco, Mint and Menthol, my standards would have to be on the floor for this relationship to continue. Like, the Trin 3 floor. Tobacco pods are GROSS!
Despite your shortcomings, I’ll always look back on most of our memories with fondness. You introduced me to so many new people who wanted to fiend off you. Heck, sometimes I even fiended off other people when we were on a break. What? WE WERE ON A BREAK! Anyways, I’ll miss having random people come up to me at Trin and ask for a hit, only to have to grab you out of their hands when they try to walk away with you. I wish that you were still worth fighting for, but I just can’t justify the effort I’d have to put in to make this work.
What did I do wrong? I’m of age! I always buy you legally! And I only occasionally do the type of dumb Juul tricks that end up on Barstool UVA. To paraphrase the words of Michael Scott, my only weaknesses in our relationship seem to be that I love too much, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my Juul. Sue me. Oh wait, the FDA already sued you.
So basically, it’s over, Juulian. You’re not you anymore! And I’m not the type of girl who will settle for tobacco pods.
Goodbye forever,
Katie
Katie McCracken is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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