Cheetos fanatic and small-handed wizard Tronald Dump issued an executive order Wednesday decreeing that all public and private Christmas sing-alongs must include pop sensation Ariana Grande’s newest bop, “thank u, next,” in exchange for the holiday classic, “O Holy Night.”
When White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Jesus Christ that is a lot of capital letters in a row) was asked by Jim Acosta to explain the reasoning behind the decision, Sanders gave the following statement from the President: “God is a woman and that woman is Ariana Grande. The way she bounced back from that thing with that pale boy from SNL? Just unbelievable. I’m telling you. Absolutely everyone, no question, take it from me, has to hear her. Believe me, incredible.” When pressed by Acosta for a follow-up comment and an up-to-date list of all the President’s medications, Sanders bellowed, “Go suck a toe, Jim!” to which Acosta calmly replied, “I only do pinkies,” chasséing out of the room.
Although it is still too early to properly gauge the country’s response to the President’s most recent inanity, it is safe to say that conservatives everywhere are not jolly. “How can he take away the most blessed song in the Christmas canon?” wept 43-year-old mother of four cats and six gerbils, Magina Itburne. “Why, sweet baby Jesus, why?!” Former altar boy, Tommy McGregor, shares the sentiment: “Christmas is supposed to be sunshine and rainbows and happiness and unicorns and threesomes and weird useless gifts and half-naked shepherds and trippy constellations and — what was the question again?”
While wailing ”Falllllllll on your kneeeeees” in the shower, drunk off your tuchus on spiked eggnog, is undeniably the epitome of Christmas spirit, some Americans are slowly warming to the idea of a new Christmas anthem. Albeit only early December, which — gird your loins for an unpopular opinion — is way too early to play any form of holiday music outside of a Michaels craft store, absolutely no public setting is safe. Everywhere one could possibly go, whether it be a Chick-fil-A restroom, the library or a funeral home, someone is quietly whispering “thought I’d end up with Sean” under their breath. And, no, to that one poor misguided girl on Instagram, she is not referring to the very homely, very Canadian Shawn Mendes.
For those Americans who have yet to decide whether or not they are super jazzed about the President’s latest sugar-induced shenanigans, it is strongly encouraged to make a pros and cons list to express all pressing emotions. To facilitate the speedy enforcement of the new executive order, the NSA has worked jointly with the NBA and WWE to craft an exhaustive list of helpful examples. Here is a brief sampling:
Pro — the self-esteem of female-identifying family members will be at an all-time high.
Con — holiday-timed engagement rates are expected to plummet to unprecedented depths.
Pro — the half-up-half-down ponytail will experience a resurgence.
Con — screaming “fall on your knees” to yourself in the car on the way to work will no longer be socially acceptable and could potentially lead to a citizen’s arrest.
Pro — you will have something to discuss at the holiday dinner table other than your lack of significant other, crippling anxiety and apparently very noticeable weight gain according to your fake Aunt Sue.
Con — we hate our jobs and do not know what we are doing … this is NOT a cry for help from the NSA, however the President IS holding us captive in a South Dakota YMCA ball-pit with several random athletic men and we cannot find our way out of here.
In summation, whether or not you are a fan of Grande this holiday season, only one thing is as painfully transparent as the plotline of a Hallmark Christmas movie — there is no escape. Thank u, next.
Olivia Buckle is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at email@example.com.