Hey God, what up? It’s me Jim Ryan, Virginia’s resident stud. How are you? Haha that’s cool. Listen, I know you’re burdened with a lot of stuff right now, famine, war, who Colton’s gonna pick on “The Bachelor” — just kidding we all know it’s going to be Cassie — but I was hoping to just take a second of your time to talk about Virginia.
You probably know this, being God and all, but I am the president of the University of Virginia, and well, I love running. I love running. And I repeat things for emphasis, EMPHASIS! (Drake and Josh anyone? haha). As a 53-year-old with an eight pack, fitness is important to me. I believe in the power of working out — not just for physical health but for mental wellbeing. I can’t speak highly enough on the importance of running.
That’s why something needs to be done about these electric scooters.
I can’t take it anymore. My students, my children, our future, are on these scooters 24/7. Kids don’t walk to class anymore. They don’t run to meet friends. Instead they just hop on one of these “lemon” scooters and forgo the use of their legs and the adrenaline high that comes with that. No one goes on my Tuesday morning runs with me anymore. There’s no need. All they do is scooter from place to place. And where does that leave ol’ Jim Ryan? Running alone at 4:30 a.m. on a workday.
But you know what God, the lime scooters wouldn’t even be that bad if it weren’t for the racism.
Listen, God — you know I’m all about “building bridges.” If you’re ever in a predicament where you need to give a speech in front of a large body of horny young adults, bring up a metaphor of building a bridge to promote tolerance and collaboration, and you’re golden — college kids go nuts for extended metaphors.
But lately that hasn’t been cutting it.
As a leader, I feel the need to respect and represent every University student to the best of my ability, no matter what race, gender, religious affiliation or sexual orientation.
The political leaders of the Commonwealth of Virginia have not been doing this. You know better than anyone that Virginia has a duality to it — we are the birthplace of American democracy and American slavery. The founder of the University of Virginia, Thomas Jefferson, was a slave owner, and the famed columns of the Rotunda were built by those in shackles. The use of blackface by Gov. Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring and the sexual assault allegations against Lieutenant Gov. Justin Fairfax force every Virginian to reevaluate who they thought was leading them and opens up old wounds that run deep in Virginia. I am worried that “building bridges” ain’t it, chief. I am worried that even though I preach tolerance and compassion, students at my university still feel powerless and afraid.
God, I need your help. I really only have those two requests, and well, maybe if it's not too much you could make us ACC champs this year too? Well, anyway, have a nice day, or eternity, or whatever your time passes in. Also, are you a woman? I believe God is a woman. (Man her new album... amirite??)
See ya soon,
Eva Sirotic is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at email@example.com.