If there is one thing the University wastes too much of our tuition on, it’s the upkeep of the Rotunda. I get it, the Rotunda is “architecturally beautiful” and a “UNESCO world heritage site,” but listen — I don’t give a yeet. With its central location, it really should be serving a more useful purpose than it is. Like seriously, it’s a whole building dedicated to approximately two classes and historical tours for old people. Therefore, I’ve compiled some ideas for its imminent replacement.
1. An Airpod Owner Only Clubhouse
There’s nothing U.Va. students love more than being elitist, so why not replace the Rotunda with an ode to the
most obnoxious richest people on Grounds? The Airpod-less chumps can listen to their music with the cold winter wind whipping their cords to and fro. The ones with a surplus of daddy’s money, meanwhile, will be snug inside their clubhouse, looking down upon the have-nots. If that’s not the Jeffersonian way, I don’t know what is.
2. A new Gilmore Hall
Look, I’m a psych major who lives on the Corner, and Gilmer is a long a—s walk for me. Also, I’m a psych major and don’t know how to spell Gilmur. Also, I’m a psych major (get it? Because being a psych major is a joke. #humorcolumn).
3. An Ambassador Warming House
Does anyone know what these guys actually do? I’ve gone to school here for a year and a half and the only time I’ve heard one speak was to yell at my friend for trying to swim in one of the Rotunda fountains — and he didn’t even compliment his impressively earth shattering belly flop first. It seems cruel to make them wander the cold streets of Charlottesville for hours on end, so let’s instead give them a place to gather and swap battle stories of nights stood outside of Boylan.
4. Clem 1, 2.0
Ever since Clem 1 closed for renovation, I just haven’t found a study spot that hits the same. Upper Clem is the Mad Bowl of the study world, the “Harry Potter” Room in Alderman makes me sad that I’m doing math instead of potions, and Clark just plain smells weird. Clem 1 was the only place where I truly felt productive, and no amount of round architecture can replace the hole it left in my heart. RIP.
5. A free parking garage
Can we just take a minute and acknowledge that parking around Charlottesville can run you up to $100 per month, but you can’t park anywhere remotely near your classes? Level the Rotunda, and build a parking garage. Then, maybe we wouldn’t have to have Change.org petitions to park our cars.
6. New Newcomb Bathroom
The Rotunda’s close proximity to Newcomb makes it perfect to serve as the Official Newcomb Food Poisoning Bathroom. Currently, the bathrooms in Newcomb serve a wide variety of students, from writers for The Cavalier Daily to those who willingly consume microwaved chicken at “Pukeomb.” Instead of gassing out those of us smart enough to prepare food for ourselves, we should send those idiots to the Rotunda so there’s at least a couple hundred feet of buffer air.
7. E-School Socialization Building
Raise your hand if you once knew someone in E-school but haven’t seen them since they took linear algebra. The amount of studying they do coupled with their natural weird tendencies* is really not healthy. Instead of a new School of “Data Science” (read: multiplying the nerds), the University should dedicate a building to improving skills such as saying hello to passing acquaintances, making and maintaining eye contact when talking and crafting social plans. Engineers with social skills? Now THAT is innovation!
8. Bird/Lime Scooter Skate Park
Now that we have all of these scooters laying around, we might as well learn how to use them. Yeah, Duke might have demolished us on the basketball court twice, but with a little practice, we could absolutely wreck them in a Scoot-Off. The Rotunda is lame. Kickflips are sick.
If we replaced the useless Rotunda with any of these options, U.Va. would be the cloutiest school in the ACC. Alright A-school, get building.
*I have a friend in E-School, so I can say this.
Katie McCracken is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at email@example.com.