1. Electric scooter shenanigans will rise
Electric scooter companies haven’t even been at the University for a semester and there are already people misusing them. I’ve seen photos of scooters in dumpsters, hanging from trees and even in a shower — literally go look at the Instagram account @wheresmyscooter. I’ve also seen two people using a scooter at one time, and you can tell that poor scooter is struggling under the weight of two. As funny as I find the scooters being misused, I think we can go much further. I’m talking Indy 500: E-Scooter Edition. We could set up an entire course that goes across Grounds and through buildings. Winner gets to go on a one-on-one Lime ride with President Jim Ryan.
2. The BOV will raise tuition
The Board of Visitors gives me quite a lot of grief, especially when they raise tuition every freaking year. I’m not exactly sure how they think money works or how they sleep at night knowing they keep charging us more every year, but they need to reevaluate. But no matter how hard we protest, they keep raising it each year — sometimes each semester. Please give my wallet a break.
3. Beta Bridge will be condemned
There will come a point when there is so much paint that it blocks a significant part of the sidewalk or an entire chunk of the bridge will completely fall off. I also think it’s extremely likely that there’s lead paint somewhere underneath all of those layers. It’s one big safety hazard waiting to happen. And if it’s closed, it will be a lot harder to get down Rugby Road, but maybe that won’t be the worst thing in the world.
4. Everyone will get sick from one frat house
Fraternity houses are not necessarily the cleanest places on earth — and that’s coming from someone who really hates cleaning. The floors always seem to be sticky, and everything is made out of plywood. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some ancient, eradicated bacteria somewhere deep in the floorboards of a frat house that will rise up and infect us all. If you think norovirus is bad, just wait till we’re dealing with smallpox.
5. Brandon Avenue housing won’t be ready in time
You probably haven’t noticed what exactly the University is building on Brandon Avenue because they are literally always doing construction. I would like to have just one day where I didn’t have to see a sign telling me one lane is blocked for construction. At the moment, construction is behind schedule for the new upperclassman housing, so I am predicting that this project is going to end up like Fyre Festival. Second-years will be living in tents and surviving off the land. Maybe President Ryan will be nice enough to provide each person with a sleeping bag.
6. A bunker is found under the Lawn
Have you ever wondered where all of the steam tunnels lead to? You can walk from one building to another, but they all have to have one final destination, right? Enter my favorite University conspiracy theory — the bunker. It could be a presidential bunker or maybe a Virginia governor’s bunker, but there is definitely one somewhere on Central Grounds. Or maybe it was built to hold the cryogenically frozen bodies of Thomas Jefferson and all of the past University presidents. One of these days we will unearth the University’s deepest secret, and I will look back on this article as evidence that I knew all along.
7. Tony Bennett will respond to my articles
Coach Tony Bennett is a wonderful man. He’s humble, hardworking and a total cutiepie. I’ve written articles that have mentioned him a couple times — check out “Top 10 things I would do if Tony Bennett called me” and “Top 10 emotions we all experience during March Madness” — but he has never shot me an email or wrote me a quick letter to thank me. I’ve even offered myself up as a member of the team or even the next assistant manager! What else do I need to do, Tony? I just want to be buds. So maybe this will be the year that we finally become best friends.
8. Virginia football will plunge into obscurity
The fact that we were kind of good at football in 2018 makes me very nervous because I’m not used to it. I’m also the kind of person that believes in jinxes, so all of this good luck is bound to come back around and strike us. Despite Coach Bronco Mendenhall’s apparent success, I’m predicting that it all goes downhill this year. The only way to avoid this is to make a sacrifice at the foot of Thomas Jefferson’s statue. I’ve heard he likes mac and cheese.
9. Something horrible will happen to me — but it will be funny
A lot of generally unlucky things happen to me. So many, in fact, that I wrote an entire article about them — “Top 10 terrible yet hilarious things that will happen to me.” In the time since I wrote that article, there have probably been 10 more terrible things — like getting on the wrong bus and almost missing an exam last semester or getting scammed, contracting bronchitis and tripping over every slightly raised surface on my nine-day trip to Rome. Luckily, I know how to tell a story, so all of these mishaps have just helped make me funnier — hopefully.
10. My cat will get even cuter
If you haven’t met my cat, then you are really missing out. His name is Ancho, he’s very large and gray and he loves to give me sassy looks. Somehow, I love him more and more every day, and I am not afraid to tell every single person I know. And somehow, he also manages to get handsomer every day. I don’t know how he does it, but by the end of the year his cuteness will probably melt my eyeballs right out of my noggin.