Picture this — it’s halfway through the summer. You’re lying on a beach somewhere, a definitely non-alcoholic beverage of choice in hand. You’re deciding which generic summer caption goes best with your generic summer picture on Instagram, when suddenly, what’s this? A photo from fall semester last year? Well, a little reminiscing never hurt anyone, so you click on the picture.
Suddenly, the memories come rushing back. In the summer, you are fit and athletic, the envy of everyone who bailed on their New Year’s resolution by Jan. 3. But in the fall, you wear a sweatshirt every day, and the closest you get to the gym is when you walk by the AFC to visit your RA friend. You feel a pang of nostalgia and then a wave of fear. Wait, you think. That’s the U.Va. Fall Body. I can’t be the only one who still has a Summer Body when fall comes! Panic grips you. After all, you only have half of summer left — how are you supposed to get a Fall Body in such a short time?
Well, worry not, dear readers, because that’s where I come in. As a patented Fall Body-haver in every season, I’m going to share a couple of tips and tricks to getting that nice, pale, slightly doughy look before school starts.
Tip 1: Remember that it is absolutely about the destination, not the journey. No one cares how you achieved your Fall Body, just that you have one, and so can fit in with everyone else on grounds (Tip 1.5: Conformity is key! To be popular, don’t ever deviate from the norm). Methods might matter in science class, but here we only care about the final product.
Tip 2: Eat like your parents aren’t there. What does this mean, you might ask? It means to eat like no one can control you or force you to eat healthy food. Unleash the glutton inside of you and have pizza at least four nights a week. Exclusively eat out at greasy chain restaurants, and snack on chips whenever possible. Do not even look at a glass of water lest you get tempted by the fatal hydration demon. Cut out all fruits and vegetables, and know that if you get scurvy you’re perfectly on track for an ideal Fall Body. Remember, the ends justify the means!
Tip 3: Exercise is for losers. If you have a gym membership, cancel it. If you started one of those fitness challenges, stop it. If you do any type of cardio, cut that out right now! The goal of a Fall Body is to look sedentary, like you are 2 kool 4 skool, or work, or any sort of societal obligations whatsoever. That muscle mass won’t go easily. You have to work to lose it, or at least cover it in a nice layer of fat.
So there you have it, my three tips for losing your Summer Body and getting the Fall Body we all crave! If you start these steps now, I promise you’ll look just like everyone else when fall semester comes and be the envy of everyone who didn’t get the memo.
Dorothea LeBeau is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.