Top 10 ways to slow down summer

Congratulations, you’ve officially wasted over half of your summer break.

lf-paigewaterhouse-e-klein

Paige Waterhouse is a Top 10 writer for The Cavalier Daily.

Emma Klein | Cavalier Daily

1. Give up hope

Dear reader, I am thrilled that you have graced this article with your glossy, sleep-ridden eyes — the same eyes that have no doubt been glued to your laptop screen for the past few months, binging whatever Netflix series you find most compelling at the moment. I will assume desperate hope has brought you here — the hope to preserve the precious, golden hours of summer vacation that are slipping through your fingers at this very moment. I am afraid this list is not the sweeping solution you are searching for, so I recommend that you surrender all hope now. But fear not, I have plenty of second-rate suggestions to offer you that can deceive time.

2. Never go outside

Do not leave your house. Break free from the unceasing solar cycle by simply refusing to acknowledge its presence. Shut all your shades, lock your doors and crank the AC. Sleep and eat according to your own rhythms — do not conform to the natural order. This option is bound to bring absolute anarchy upon your internal clock. It will successfully confuse what day you think it is, and therefore, freeze time itself.

3. Never go inside

Too much of a heliophile to stay indoors? Take the alternate route and abandon the structural constraints of modern day society. Go full on Henry David Thoreau, live in the woods and be the crazy witch who lives in the woodland cabin that all the local village children fear. Time can’t touch you if you revoke it.

4. Work a boring job

Search the local newspaper for the most mundane job offers and apply to work full time. When you are bored out of your mind in your cubicle, the clock will literally never tick slower. Check your watch, put in a couple hours of hard work and now check it again. That’s right — only five minutes have passed.

5. Don’t sleep

Never shut your eyes. You waste so much time laying in bed it’s ridiculous, and for what? A healthy body? A well-ordered mind? Who needs that? Sleep is for the weak. Maximize your summertime by never stopping to rest.

6. Cancel all your plans

Ever heard the phrase, “Time flies when you’re having fun?” Stop having fun. Cancel all of your hangouts, beach trips and pool time. The less fun you have, the slower time passes. Simple as that.

7. Start planning for next summer

Time passes the slowest when you are waiting in anticipation for something exciting to happen. That’s why it is time to start planning your next summer vacation. Pull out the road maps and brochures and book those hotels and plane tickets. The more you think about your next summer get-away, the more the excitement will build and the slower time will seem to pass.

8. Find a swimming pool

Still looking for a magical place where time virtually stands still? Look no further than your local swimming pool. Take a deep breath and swim to the bottom, take a seat and stay as long as your lungs will allow. The cool water on your skin and the deafening silence of the deep will make you forget all concepts of time and place. At last you’ve found your timeless oasis — too bad you don’t have gills.

9. Get sick

If you think winter is the only time for illness, think again, my friend. Nothing warps your perception of time more than trying to fall asleep with a fever. You’re hot, you’re cold, everything hurts and “Come on Eileen” is playing on repeat in your head amidst a pounding headache. You’re miserable, but the pain has blurred all sense of time as you know it. Has it been days or just one hour? Who the heck knows. To you, this summer heat wave is lasting a lifetime.

10. Pick a moment

To top off my list of perfectly good, time-slowing suggestions, I have one more tip with a little more sentiment. With summer winding down, treasure your dwindling days of sweet sunny freedom by focusing on little moments that bring you joy. Collect these snapshots, and file them away in your big Wahoo brain. When the school year finally rolls around, you’ll have lots of timeless memories to look back on.

related stories