Earlier this month, Breitbart News’s weather columnist died from vaping related causes. They quickly filled the position, and the replacement is a familiar face. You may know him, I hope you dislike him, and he isn’t pretty. It’s Donald Trump. His recent articles have all been under 280 characters and rely too heavily on capitalization. After this decision was announced, the White House tweeted that it too would be using Trump as their main expert on weather related events. This is probably not a good thing. Why would the White House rely on a president who does not have any background in weather? Because much like rising sea levels, the White House is knee deep in boiling water. Why shouldn’t we trust Trump like we trust Al Roker? Because Mitch McConnell trusts him, he spews misinformation, and unlike Roker, Trump hasn’t been on Family Feud.
As the new Chief of Meteorology, Trump decided to use his weather predicting capabilities to show hurricane Dorian’s path. At the time of his prediction, the National Weather Service had already circulated its forecasting model, showing Dorian heading north up the East Coast and hitting Florida. But what the American people didn’t know was that the NWS was wrong. Somehow, even though it used top of the line technologies to predict the path, it failed to forecast what only Trump could — that the hurricane was also going to hit Alabama.
All jokes aside, Trump really did extend the path of Dorian on the map provided by the NWS. I guess he felt he had insider knowledge pertaining to the matter. And yes, he used a Sharpie to extend it. What reporters didn’t know is that it was Trump’s daily arts and crafts hour, so he had an extra one lying around. This incident has been dubbed “Sharpiegate,” and will go down in the hall of fame with all the rest of the “-gates.” Monicagate, Contragate, Travelgate, Watergate and many others. Remember when kids in middle school used to joke about sniffing Sharpies? It was funny because people said you could get high off of the smell, but in actuality you would just get sick from the toxic fumes. Well your local middle schooler Donald Trump has been taking part in the classic school time practice of Sharpie sniffing, and it has gotten out of hand.
Shortly after the misleading extension was craftily drawn on, the NWS sent out a notice letting the citizens of America, and more importantly, of Alabama, know that Dorian would not be affecting that area.
What Trump didn’t need to speculate about was Dorian’s path before it hit America. Dorian devastated the Bahamas. People died, people are missing and lives have been ruined. Trump and the White House continue to make aid efforts difficult by refusing to expedite the process of allowing Bahamians into America. Trump is asking all people seeking refuge in the U.S. to provide proper documentation — a passport or a visa. I don’t think that documentation was spared from Dorian’s wrath, and I can’t say if Trump cares. I can, however, confidently say that Trump’s general disposition on immigration and entry into America is behind this, especially with the 2020 election nearing. Making sure that he appeals to as many far-right, xenophobic bigots is on the top of his list, a list that was unfortunately not torn up in the hurricane.
The Sharpie fumes have done more than spur some ill-informed drawing decisions, they have sent Trump into a delusional state that has allowed him to forget how to be a good human. But let’s be real, it’s not a delusional state, it’s probably just the way he is. Impeach the newest Chief of Meteorology, please.
Cate Streissguth is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
U.Va. “Tourapocalypse”
By Adair Reid | 3 days agoSpring is a beautiful time for Guides to go on the offensive and really highlight the beauty of Grounds from the pollen-caked sidewalks to the lovely-smelling new mulch.
Dear Power Outlet, My Dearest Darling Love
By Maggie McHaty | 6 days agoMy dearest darling love, the concussion to my midnight snowball fights on the Lawn, the 2023 sewage flood to my Brown Residential College, I know I should not have come back.
University squirrels unionize
By Claudia Hunn | April 11, 2024This week, an unlikely group discovered their own collective power as workers by unionizing — a community of University squirrels now known as the Squirrel Workers’ Guild, or SWG.
