Every donation counts — end starving girl semester now

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Humor Columnist Pasha McGuigan pleads for some donations to end Starving Girl Semester — an epidemic.

Max Patten | Cavalier Daily

The halls of Bice are haunted by their hollow faces. Every evening, they struggle to take the last steps into their apartments, where they collapse in a heap, unable to move. Deprived of sustenance, they lay awake at night, their stomachs growling. As they await mornings filled with further disappointment, they drift off into a restless sleep. Each new day brings doubt and fear into their minds: where will they find their next meal? Who will pay for it? How will they learn to scramble eggs or make a quesadilla without burning it? 

The second-year struggle can be quantified by a term coined by one of my peers — Starving Girl Semester, or SGS. A departure from the abundant and carefree Hot Girl Summer, Starving Girl Semester brings terror to many when they realize they are too lazy to cook but too stingy to get a bigger meal plan. Pained by this heartbreaking struggle, they become weak and irritable. Other symptoms include loss of weight, excessive use of coffee in place of a meal, a tendency to complain about their plight at any opportunity and hoarding of food from the dining halls or school events. 

While SGS can affect anyone, those most commonly impacted are middle and upper middle class students who never learned to cook because growing up, their mothers or fathers fulfilled their every whim, making sure to cut off the crust of each peanut butter and jelly sandwich they ate. Due to this tendency, people with the syndrome can easily be spotted. Although it is not contagious, sufferers of SGS can be extremely unpleasant to be around, so avoiding them is recommended. Keep an eye out for anyone who has a history of burning their poptarts in a microwave and causing whole buildings to evacuate. 

Starving Girl Semester must be stopped before it gets worse. While there has yet to be any casualties caused by SGS, many of my friends continue to tell me how hungry they are. Though it was never cute, it has reached the point of absurdity — if you are reading this and you know me yes I am talking about you. To help end Starving Girl Semester, make a small donation of 30 dollars to The Cavalier Daily Humor Section. With roughly one dollar every day, you can make a real difference in the lives of already privileged students everywhere. 

If you suspect that you or a loved one has contracted SGS, contact emergency authorities as soon as possible. To find temporary relief, the steps to making a grilled cheese are available with a quick google search (though if you need to research how to make a grilled cheese in the first place, natural selection suggests that perhaps it is more ethical for you to starve). 

Pasha McGuigan is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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