Here comes Pence!

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Humor columnist Cate Streissguth breaks down recent political happenings.

Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

I have been trying to figure out what to write about for my column this week, but there hasn’t been any real political news to cover recently. Just kidding. That was the worst, most obvious joke I’ve ever made. Trump might be impeached! This is the biggest piece of news that’s been covered since “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” was canceled by TLC. Trump, the terrible, insane, xenophobic, greedy, racist, homophobic, comb over needing, corrupt politician might be reduced to regular human status, and I am excited. I can’t wait for him to do what every other ex-president has done — get a book contract and go on a lecture tour. I really am looking forward to the day when Trump’s only speaking engagements are at some weird Elk Club or an American Legion in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and not in front of thousands of Americans who think he represents the future of our country. 

However, I am trying not to be too hopeful. As someone recently told me, optimism is not always a good thing. It will be an uphill battle for the Democrats and Republicans in favor of impeachment proceedings. There are many moving parts that need to align in order for the impeachment to actually happen and it isn’t exactly looking bright. And as we’ve seen during the Mueller report, the Kavanaugh hearings and literally every time Trump opens his mouth, the standards pertaining to manners, integrity and humanity are getting lower and lower and lower. To add some perspective, Andrew Johnson, our country’s 17th president, was impeached because he fired a cabinet member. Trump would have been out of a job eons ago if that was still the standard. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t the whole story. If we, as Americans, are lucky enough to impeach Trump, we will have the great misfortune of welcoming Mike Pence as the next president. This, my friends, is a double bind. This is worse than a catch-22, this is a catch-666. I am in no way saying that we should not proceed with the impeachment investigation. Trump must be removed from office. However, you won’t catch me taking a sigh of relief if Pence does take over. 

Pence probably stands for everything that I adamantly oppose. I get it, difference of opinion is important and being able to live with people who don’t agree with all of your opinions is a skill worth gaining. However, there comes a time when values must be changed and amended in order to be a good human. I don’t think Pence heard, but being homophobic is no longer in vogue. It’s just not cool to be mean and violent towards the LGBTQ community, but Pence’s political record has shown us time and time again that he is not hip to this. And it doesn’t stop with homophobia. 

He actively opposed the implementation of clean energy during his time as the governor of Indiana. He supports Trump’s conservative immigration stance. He has an A rating from the NRA. And like every great male politician to ever walk this earth, he had a conservative talk radio show back in the 1990s. 

The scariest part is that Pence probably has the wherewithal to get stuff done. He actually went to law school, and, unlike Trump, probably didn’t need his dad to help him get in (link most recent article by The Cavalier Daily on ‘high-priority’ applications here, please). He is respected by his fellow Tea Party members. Most of the Republican National Committee doesn’t pretend to like him, they actually like him, and, like most of us reading this, he was smart enough not to vote for Trump in the primaries, he actually endorsed Ted Cruz. 

As we move on from this week I am hoping for three things:

  1. Trump gets fired
  2. Pence steps down
  3. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) becomes president prompting a nation-wide rager that lasts for six days.  

Cate Streissguth is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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