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Love sucks — here’s an anti-Valentine’s day playlist

Eat your heart out St. Valentine

Enjoy this curated playlist if you're not feeling the love this Valentine's Day.
Enjoy this curated playlist if you're not feeling the love this Valentine's Day.

Valentine’s Day is an inescapable holiday. It is everywhere, from the heart-shaped chocolates in grocery stores to the cringeworthy and saccharine Valentine’s Day posts soon to be plastered on everyone’s Instagram feeds. However, not everyone has caught the love bug. Falling into this category can make it an isolating holiday. Here are nine songs that encapsulate the feeling of being exhausted with Valentine’s Day.

“I Hate Boys” by Christina Aguilera

Perhaps it’s a little on the nose, but this electropop number cut from Christina Aguilera’s 2010 album “Bionic” is the perfect way to kick off an anti-Valentine’s Day playlist. With lyrics like “Boys suck, make me sick / Inflated egos, little d—s,” the song comes across as angry, jagged and possibly even a little bitter. Xtina screams her way through the song, listing all the things anyone who finds themselves single on Valentine’s Day wants to say but cannot. 

“Material Girl” by Madonna

Who said that money cannot buy happiness? Madonna begs to differ. 1984’s “Material Girl” is pop perfection with the robotic voice repeating the hook, the post-disco bassline and Madonna’s high-pitched exclamations. This holiday, do not search for love. Instead, follow Madonna’s suit and find someone who will shower you with expensive gifts.    

“Jumpin, Jumpin’” by Destiny’s Child

Valentine’s Day would be the perfect day to unashamedly sit at home in your pajamas with a pint of ice cream and binge-watch “Gossip Girl.” But Beyoncé has other plans, and when Beyoncé speaks the world listens. A bouncy club-anthem featuring subtle strings, “Jumpin, Jumpin’” is a classic 1999 throwback to play when getting ready for a night out on the town. “Ladies, leave your man at home,” and “Fellas, leave your girl with her friends.” Throw on your favorite Gucci belts and best Tommy Bahama shirts and prepare to dance the night away on Trin three.   

“Irreplaceable” by Beyoncé

“Irreplaceable,” the third single from Beyoncé’s 2007 album “B’Day,” is the ideal kiss-off song to an ex-lover. The acoustic guitar and drum beat perfectly meld the different sounds of country and R&B music. With lyrics like, “If I bought it, please don't touch” and “Baby, drop them keys / Hurry up before your taxi leaves,” the song oozes female empowerment. Whether a lover scorned or a single pringle, “Irreplaceable” puts one in the mood to tell off that unspecial someone.

“Sorry” by Beyoncé 

Because a playlist can never have too much Beyoncé, 2016’s “Sorry” closes out the trio of anti-Valentine’s Day songs from Queen Bey. A club-ready banger, the first half of the track is filled with sass and possibly the greatest lyric written in music history — “suck on my balls, pause, I had enough.” The second half of “Sorry” is more personal and filled with resilience. It finds Beyoncé taking her children and leaving her lover as she sings, “Suicide before you see this tear fall down my eyes.”

“All By Myself” by Céline Dion

Going out is not for everyone and being alone on Valentine’s Day can be difficult. Céline Dion understands this. But being at home on Valentine’s Day does not mean you have to be bored. With its big drums, sweeping strings, twinkling key and Dion’s bombastic vocals, “All by Myself” is the supreme go-to karaoke song. Grab a hairbrush, stand in front of a bathroom mirror and sing to your heart’s content. It is what Céline would want. 

“bloodline” by Ariana Grande

Booming horns, a trap beat, reggae influences, thumping bass and whistle notes — what more could anyone want from an Ariana Grande song? On “bloodline” — the fourth track on Grande’s 2019 album “thank u, next” — the powerhouse singer shuns committed relationships in favor of something with no strings attached. Grande is not in search of a better half to make her whole. She is “complete” and content by herself.

“Touch of My Hand” by Britney Spears 

One of Spears’ most provocative and sensual songs, 2003’s “Touch of My Hand” is an ode to self-love — literally. Featuring an experimental use of autotune, strings and an underutilized upper-register on Spears’ part, the song is one of the most sonically adventurous in her discography. This Valentine’s Day, don’t fall in love with someone else. Fall in love with yourself.

“Why Should I Be Sad” by Britney Spears

Finishing out the playlist is a deep cut from Britney Spears’ criminally underrated fifth studio album, “Blackout,” which was released in 2007. Written by Pharell Williams and produced by The Neptunes, “Why Should I Be Sad” finds the singer questioning why she would let a failed relationship leave her feeling dejected. Spears is right. Why should anyone be sad, especially when you have this playlist to listen to on Valentine’s Day? 


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