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Why I’m totally not sad being single, like, at all

Humor editor Eshaan Sarup walks us through the benefits of being single

I’ll be having the time of my life watching Netflix under my weighted blanket.
I’ll be having the time of my life watching Netflix under my weighted blanket.

Love is in the air, but so is Coronavirus, and I’m staying FAR away from both.

With Valentine's Day coming soon and it being PRIME cuddle weather, I know you poor fools are out there doing everything possible to get cuffed. Rolling out every weekend in your new H&M button down, getting a $30 haircut from the Corner, going to the AFC but only hitting chest and biceps and curating the perfect Tinder bio and first message (I’m just guessing of course, zero personal experience with this!).

Well, trust me, y’all can rest easy. As the seemingly ONLY single person among my friends now, I can give you PLENTY of reasons why being in a relationship is like hosting a banger — seems like a great idea until you have to deal with the mess!

Money

Dates? Small, thoughtful gifts? Making spontaneous day trips because there's nothing in Charlottesville besides mountains? Driving all the way to another school because you already shot your shot with everybody here and have to resort to people that go to Just Missed U.Va. or even *shudders* Tech?

Well, lover-boy, all of that costs MONEY that I know you don’t have. Sure, this is U.Va. and half of you reading this probably have daddy’s credit card, but there are still SO many things money is better spent on, like:

  • Two Insomnia cookies that you paid $20 dollars for because you’re too lazy to walk there
  • Glorified candy water at Starbucks
  • Pretentious “real coffee” at a place downtown where the barista is an aspiring poet
  • Vodka-Sprites at Boylan that make you gag
  • Ubers from the Corner because walking home drunk and cold sucks

What’s that, you say? There’s a certain warm fuzzy you get when you spend your own money on somebody you care about? Pshhhhh, nothing compares to the warm fuzzy I get when I check my bank account these days.

Sleep

Staying up until 5 a.m. talking to somebody you like is all fun and games until you have to wake up for your 8 a.m. I’m in my ZONE all by myself, stretched out, eating grilled cheese and watching YouTube. The day I find somebody worth sacrificing that for is the day I get married. Enjoy your bae’s cold feet and snoring!

Academics

As I am constantly reminded, watching some old guy in a tweed jacket click through power points and BS-ing assignments because I don’t want to read 100 pages a week is EXPENSIVE. I mean, are you really willing to give up your $32k a semester education for some guy that uses three-in-one body wash, still needs his mom to tie his tie and thinks frying an egg counts as cooking? Or for a girl who thinks liking “The Office” is a personality, posts on her Snapchat to “like her recent on Insta” and eats YOUR fries? No thank you! I’d rather blow that money by skipping classes and sleeping through the classes I do go to!

So, this upcoming Valentine's Day, while all my friends are off buying their loved ones flowers that will die in a week, I’ll be having the time of my life watching Netflix under my weighted blanket (it’s for my stress, not loneliness I swear), eating Insomnia cookies, and cryin- I MEAN SMILING. Ladies: if you disagree with me and think relationships in college ARE worth it, well, feel free to hit me up. We’ll discuss it over lunch ;).

Eshaan Sarup is the Humor Editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at e.sarup@cavalierdaily.com

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