Good morning? Evening? Who knows. I write to you all today with a heavy heart and a slightly looser grip on reality. By the time you read this, I will have been quarantined within my parents’ house, located in the extraordinary nothingness that is southeastern Virginia, for what modern calculations dictate to be two months. However, as I find myself beat down time and time again by the mere act of existing on the same physical plane as white supremacists who stormed state capitol buildings in protest of not being allowed to die, I am convinced that it has been much, much longer.
During this immeasurable amount of time isolated from the outside world, I have spent many a night pondering the inner workings of our universe, trying to answer the most fundamental questions regarding our existence and purpose. After painstaking mental and emotional labor — as well as the occasional stress-induced crying session — I have come to the very plausible and not at all disturbing conclusion that nothing is real. I understand that hearing the news from a random newspaper article written by some 20-year-old punk is probably not how most people would like to be made aware of this earth-shattering revelation. For this, I offer my sincerest apologies, however, whatever public outcry this may induce — and it most definitely will because I’m just THAT influential — really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things because, to reiterate, literally NOTHING is real, including your feelings.
Now, this article is pretty much over in terms of making valuable points that (arguably) contribute to society, however, I must adhere to these absolutely dreadful things called ~word minimums~, as mandated by The Establishment that is The Cavalier Daily Constitution — nothing is real but apparently article requirements are. So, for the next 300 words or so, I will HUMOR you all (lol, get it?) with the many experiences — from the painfully mundane to the slightly less painfully mundane — I have had while in quarantine, all of which have contributed somehow to my shocking realization. Here goes nothing!
- For starters, my brother forced me to watch “Inception” for the first time. I will not mince words with you — this movie ruined my life as well as my relationship with the soul-crusher I call my sibling (Rohan, if you’re reading this — I still hate you). As you all know because you actually watched “Inception” 10 years ago when it came out like normal people, this film will rip apart any semblance of mental or emotional stability you have during REGULAR circumstances. But now? In this dystopian nightmare? Please. If Leonardo DiCaprio can’t even figure out what reality is, how the hell can I?
- I found out that my girlfriend regularly wears Doc Martens yet doesn’t believe in astrology. I have tried to wrap my head around this fact but just cannot. These two characteristics are inherently mutually exclusive, yet she INSISTS that this is the case. At first, I didn’t believe her, but then I asked her what her ascendant sign was and she just stared blankly at me. It was at this moment that I was forced to face the cold, hard truth — everything is fake. I arrived at this conclusion because I simply refuse to accept the fact that I live in a world where someone — not to mention someone I’m socially obligated to understand and support — dons leather platform boots yet doesn’t accept “because I’m a Pisces moon, OK?!” as a valid answer to the question of why I’m sad.
- Collab crashed during online final exams. I don’t even have to say much more. This was essentially the icing on top of the human feces of a cake that this semester turned out to be. If this wasn’t proof that everything in existence is simply one big cosmic joke, I don’t know what is.
Well, that’s everything I can think of at the moment. I’m sure there are plenty of other things that happened that assisted in my grand epiphany, but, like everything else, it honestly, truly does not matter. Enjoy quarantine everyone — or don’t. Who cares!
Alisha Kohli is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at email@example.com