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How to boost your resume with your super productive coronavirus summer

Humor columnist Emily Porter shows us how to pad our resumes without violating the honor code

Employers will be floored with the things you managed to do during a pandemic!
Employers will be floored with the things you managed to do during a pandemic!

Unless you are one of the lucky few, you’ve probably come to terms with the fact that you don’t have much going on this summer. Your internship got cancelled, the pool you lifeguard for is closed or you’re realizing this summer might not be the time to launch your stand-up comedy tour. Regardless of how you’ve come to this conclusion, you still need to boost your resume, right? That is why I  — completely unofficially — consulted a U.Va. Career Center employee, my wonderful roommate, on how you can pad your resume with the activities you’re already doing at home. Here is a list of examples, but feel free to use your creativity to come up with some more. 

Cleaning Your Room

Sanitation manager for a small non-profit organization. Utilized organizational skills for filing documents and other relevant articles.

Reorganizing/Redecorating Your Room

Showroom coordinator in charge of artistic design. Discerned which spaces best suited each piece of art.

Baking Bread 

Chemical engineering internship with a concentration on risen yeast. Applied mathematical reasoning and proportion skills. This position required frequent problem solving.

Making Boxed Mac ‘n Cheese

Studied culinary arts based on the stylings of Alfredo di Lelio. Conducted multiple tastings to perfect the practice. Learned plating techniques such as “Eating out of the Pot”.

Learning to Paint for the First Time Since Elementary School

Trained in physical rehabilitation working specifically with fine motor skills. Achieved beautiful results that will be displayed publicly, such as a refurbished pong table.

Playing Sims

Life coach for multiple clients. Helped with executive decision making as well as general well-being management.  

Walking Your Dog

Personal fitness instructor for human and non-human athletes. Built upon the research of Pavlov and the use of incentives.

Stocking Up on Toilet Paper

Stock broker. Managed commodities, specifically in the paper goods sector. Required routine checks and accounting skills. 

Making Your Own Mask

Internship in manufacturing. Created PPE during a global pandemic. Results were effective and fashionable.

Bothering Your Siblings

Anthropological study of the practice of Reverse Anger Management. Used focus groups to research the most effective methods.

Convincing Your Parents to Let You Leave the House

Attended multiple negotiation seminars with interactive training. Focused on obtaining desired results.

Doing Whatever Your Mom Asks so You Can Use the Car

Personal assistant. Attended to client’s every need, regardless of each request's absurdity. Tasks included brewing and serving coffee, achieving desired HVAC conditions and de-escalating heated situations.  

Watching “Shark Tank”

Took part in an intensive equity training program. Learned how to translate the cost of goods to a reasonable company valuation. 

Sleeping

Conducted a study on the effects of sleep on an individual’s demeanor. Single subject completed multiple trials, comparing the results of sleep deprivation with those of sleeping 14 hours straight.

Bathing and Brushing Your Hair

Esthetician for a particularly disheveled client. Frequently required advanced knowledge of dry shampoo and high powered tools, such as blow-dryers.  

Spending a LOT of Time on TikTok

‘Virologist’ at a content consumption firm analyzing viral trends. Attempted to understand the most successful algorithm for a “For You” page. Regularly engaged with the content via liking and sharing.

Listening to Your Friends Complain

Social worker for multiple clients. Specialized in the traumas of young-adulthood and sudden changes to living conditions. 

Complaining to Your Friends

Formed a group of like-minded individuals as community outreach. Members were allowed to openly share their experiences, thoughts and feelings. Meetings were conducted online through the FaceTime platform and lasted several hours.

Crying About the State of the World

Duct cleaning for ocular improvement and emotional release. Achieved mastery under Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours rule.

Paying for Two Apartments You’re Not Living In

Diversified funds within the real estate market. Special attention given to college housing in the Charlottesville area. In depth research on the term “high risk, low reward”.

Hopefully this gave you guys a good idea of how you can use your imagination to really enhance your hireability. Employers will be floored with the things you managed to do during a pandemic! I encourage you to try it out and to avoid ANY questions during interviews. Good luck! 

Emily Porter is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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