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Predictions for the end of the dumpster fire that has been 2020

Humor columnist Emily Porter shows us that 2020 has not been crazy enough

<p>While many of these predictions seem dire or extreme, I wouldn’t be surprised if any of them happened.</p>

While many of these predictions seem dire or extreme, I wouldn’t be surprised if any of them happened.

This year has been the craziest all-downhill roller coaster imaginable. We’ve observed so many unusual moments in pop-culture and geopolitics both domestically and internationally. If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we need to expect the unexpected. With that said, I have compiled some of my own predictions about the concluding four month of 2020.

-Russia presents a new peaceful foreign policy plan and offers their new COVID-19 vaccine at a small price globally. Within weeks it is found that the vaccine contains radium, a radioactive chemical element. Anyone who has received the vaccine now has a greenish-glow.

-The murder hornets you haven’t thought about since June come back with a vengeance. They team up with a new predator — venomous bears! Together these two species occupy northern California and declare it as their own nation-state.

-The largest sharknado on record touches down directly onto Mount Kilimanjaro as the dormant volcano erupts for the first time in over 360,000 years

-The Pentagon confirms that 40 out of the nation’s 45 presidents were in fact lizard-people, but they will not specify who. 

-USPS is replaced by an AI drone delivery service that becomes massively popular. However, the drones gain sentience and revolt using the money from stolen Social Security checks.

-The Zodiac Killer is finally caught, and you guessed it — it was Ted Cruz after all.

-It is revealed that Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon have been the same person all along.

-Sinkholes start popping up under every Taco Bell restaurant in America. Taco Bell’s CEO admits to using only taco shells and queso for the foundation of each franchise location.

-The White House is placed under a glass dome as the first annual Purge is announced.

-Ellen DeGeneres pulls off her human skin suit live on air, exposing that she has been an alien studying humanity’s strange interest in reality TV since the early 80s. 

-Tekashi 6ix9ine is elected president of the United States as an independent write-in candidate, even pulling landslides in swing states.

-All swing states experience actual landslides

-The CDC releases a statement that oxygen has been found to be carcinogenic. New gill growth supplements go into trials as humans consider life underwater.

-JoJo Siwa and Greta Thunberg create a metal band that becomes wildly successful.

-Tectonic plates shift rapidly causing tsunamis, but also revealing the lost city of Atlantis.

-Elon Musk and Joe Rogan leave Earth with only their families on the newly-released Tesla Cybersteamship.

-Quentin Tarantino takes off his trenchcoat to reveal he has been three creepy-looking babies stacked on top of each other pretending to know film.

-Marie Kondo publishes her Anarchist Manifesto —  “Sparking Joy and Molotov Cocktails”

-The World Health Organization announces signs of a new strain — COVID-20. The virus can now take human form.

-A pay-per-view boxing match between Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates is watched around the world. Gates wins.

-Betty White dies.

-YouTube releases its own apology video.

-Mary-Kate and Ashley announce they will be cryogenically frozen in 2021.

-Walt Disney comes out of his cryogenic freezer and is instantly cancelled for anti-Semetic remarks.

-Recently discovered documents indicate that Alexander Hamilton had a tumultuous sexual affair with Aaron Burr. Lin-Mauel Miranda says an updated “Hamilton” show will be released with a happy ending.

-”Fifty Shades of Grey: Retirement Home” is given the green light for 2022 release.

-In order to conserve water, all golf is made miniature.

-Rumors are spread about the Hunger Games replacing the Olympics. The country with the last survivor will receive control over the International Space Station for one year.  

-Kia issues a mass recall of every Kia Soul made in the last decade. They warn that the cars were equipped with a timed detonator and, if left unchecked, we can expect spontaneous combustions around the world’s motorways.

-Barack and Michelle Obama announce their divorce. 

-Kim Kardashian and Kanye West renew their vows. 

-Sheck Wes releases “Mo’ Mo Bamba”

-Santa Claus is found dead at his residence in the North Pole. Investigators cite unfair labor practices as a potential motive.

-The People’s Republic of China is put on complete lockdown following a large parade celebrating the likeness of Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh 

-Thousands of residents throughout the state of Florida stage what they call “Coughing Parties”. One Florida woman is quoted saying, “The virus can’t get us if we only breathe out!”

-Kim Jung-Un is pronounced dead five times. The North Korean government claims he has an innate ability to resurrect.

-A note in an alien language is found at Stonehenge. Translators believe the note expresses disappointment in humans, calling Earth a “lost cause.”

-Tony Bennett announces his retirement from U.Va. Basketball

While many of these predictions seem dire or extreme, I wouldn’t be surprised if any of them happened. In the meantime, I advise you to check your Hazmat suits and doomsday cellars. Maybe this is the year we get inside the infamous Rotunda bunker!

Emily Porter is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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