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We are in deep … stuff

Humor columnist Katie McCracken discusses U.Va.’s excellent handling of the coronavirus

Maybe the pandemic isn’t so bad after all!
Maybe the pandemic isn’t so bad after all!

If you think U.Va. is doing a sh—tty job of containing COVID, you’d be correct! No, but seriously, they’re using wastewater testing to identify potential outbreaks, which means there’s someone out there who literally has the sh—ttiiest job of all time.  

The poop probes seem to work though, as they’ve already caught Ms. Rona’s first appearance since U.Va. decided that students having “the college experience” was more important than the lives of Charlottesville residents. Our first fallen tribute in the 2020 Hunger Games is the illustrious Balz-Dobie.  It’s a first-year dorm, so this isn’t its first rodeo when it comes to outbreaks.  But hey, this time the University is mandating that they use protection!  

I was really hoping that quarantining at U.Va. would go better than other schools — cough cough NYU — but once again U.Va. left me disappointed.  I saw a TikTok today that detailed the poor first years’ breakfasts — powdered eggs, undercooked sausage, half a bagel, orange juice and the stale rainbow Rice Krispy Treats that all real O’Hill fans know and tolerate.  It reminded me of my hungover first-year breakfasts, except this one was probably cold instead of lukewarm.  At least they can use the orange juice to make (virgin, of course) mimosas.

Whoever decided 2020 was the year to renovate Alderman is probably feeling like a real doofus right about now. I remember back in January when everyone’s biggest concern was where they would study without one of our biggest libraries. Now I’m too scared to even go into a library. Seriously, the Clem 2 tables probably harbor more germs than the floor of Trin 3.

Thank Jefferson that U.Va. came up with a foolproof way to keep things normal — giant tents.  Ha! Take that, COVID! No one can be infected in a giant tent!  

The tents are fun, but I’m most excited to see how they’ll adjust them in the winter months.  Will they put up little outdoor heaters, or will we have to rough it in the great outdoors, typing essays until the frostbite in our fingers forces us to stop? I’m hoping for the latter. This semester has been pretty boring without blacking out three nights a week, and seeing which of your friends loses a finger first sounds absolutely f—cking exhilarating at this point.

The tents serve the dual purpose of illuminating streakers as they race through the night. That way, we can all see if someone isn’t wearing their mask and publicly shame them.  That’s right, young scholars, masking and social distancing still apply even if you’re engaging in some classic Wahoo tomfoolery. PSA — it does still count as streaking if you have your mask on!

Speaking of which, I’m a bit confused. Is that U.Va.’s official position in regards to breaking COVID guidelines? It’s up to the students to publicly shame them?  I love the commitment to “student self-governance,” but I really don’t think that a group of frat boys is going to take me, a fake blonde who can’t do a push-up, very seriously if I tell them to mask up. Why don’t we give the ambassadors a real job to do and have them break up the parties? Right now, it seems like their only job is staring aimlessly into the distance or trying not to laugh when they see me walking home at 4 a.m. in an XL “Intramural Champions” T-shirt.  

Anyways, this semester has been a real sh—tshow so far — sorry, couldn’t help it — but in all honesty, U.Va. is doing a much better job than I ever could have expected. Over 500 students have gotten it so far, which means that they won’t be able to taste or smell how bad the dining hall food is. Maybe the pandemic isn’t so bad after all!

Katie McCracken is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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