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Five ways to convince someone to get vaccinated

Honest conversations are overrated. After intense scientific research, I’ve determined the real key to anyone’s non-dominant arm

 Former Twitter User Donald Trump saw the light at the end of the tunnel an entire month after COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Over a year later, reality may finally be catching up with him. As more and more people agree to be poked in the arm, “returning to normal” is feeling more cliché every day. 

However, it can be frustrating to watch someone turn down the chance for a more normal life. Trying to persuade them is even harder. Here are the top five actions you can take that will have them clicking refresh on the health department’s website for nights on end.

1. Bond over the positives of herd immunity. 

Nostalgia is a powerful tool, according to the embarrassing amount of storage your camera roll uses. Highlight the benefits of vaccinated life by reminiscing about the activities you miss. In case you needed ideas, I asked 100 people what they are most excited to resume after the pandemic. Here are the most common responses.

  • That sticky feeling under your shoes as you walk out of a movie theater.
  • Taking everything for granted.
  • The smell of public pools.
  • Choosing not to attend Charlie Puth concerts.
  • Free headphones on airplanes.
  • Traffic jams.
  • Competing for how long you can stand still and hide your confusion. Some people refer to this game as “visiting an art exhibit.”

2. Binge-watch pandemic ads together. 

When people speak of the pandemic, they are not talking about a virus. They are referring to the spread of commercials with sentimental piano music. Like the quote inside a Dove wrapper that’s been chilling on my desk since Easter, ads about quarantine always hit a little too close to home. The success of any pandemic ad is measured in tears, so sit down with the person you want to convince and a tissue box to watch emotionally taxing commercials. Before long, the corny soundtracks and mushy quotes will become so unbearable that they will sprint to the nearest CVS.

3. Invest in vaccine merchandise. 

Gifting vaccine-themed stickers or clothing to your vaccinated friends and relatives inspires massive FOMO in those not yet vaccinated. For example, some vaccination centers are handing out cute stickers with phrases such as, “I got my vaccine for COVID-19.” You could take the more direct route and print sweatshirts that say, “Hey Noah from bio, I’ll give you this sweatshirt if you get Moderna.” However, be careful with buttons — most people only signed up for one needle.

4. Deliver a personalized fruit bouquet.

What is a fruit bouquet, you ask? Oh, only the most captivating invention of the past century. People don’t realize that a fruit arrangement is more than a pity gift after breaking up with your financial advisor. It is also the bribe that appears on your doorstep when your ex-financial advisor tries to win you back. To turn a fruit bouquet into a Pfizer appetizer, attach a thoughtful message such as, “here’s to more kabob skewers in your life.”

5. Learn their love language. 

The love language quiz automatically fixes every relationship from your broken marriage to the cold eye contact you made with that car passenger while you were on the sidewalk. Whether someone prefers acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts or physical touch, their love language is the key to their non-dominant arm.

For someone who values acts of service, it’s as easy as saying, “Here, let me fix that pandemic for you.” Quality timers cannot resist experiencing the side effects together. When dealing with a fan of words of affirmation, approach them and exclaim, “Wow, a small latex bandage would look fantastic on your arm!”

If your special someone adores gifts but is allergic to fruit bouquets, you’re in luck. Vaccination centers are teaming up with Disney World’s FastPass+ service to offer “Skip the Line” passes. Chuck the pass into a gift bag along with a pair of sunglasses — they will need to dodge dirty looks from patients in the slow line. Finally, if they respond well to physical touch, try affectionately touching their shoulder with a syringe.