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A collection of tips from fourth year women

Humor columnist Emily Porter exposes her mistakes so that you won’t make them

Hello, first years. How are you enjoying your first few weeks here? Second years, I know you must be excited to start college for real, right? Third years, you had a good semester that one time two years ago. 

Well, you should all be pleased to have stumbled upon this piece, written by your superior — a fourth year. Yes, I have much sage knowledge to offer about this experience on these hallowed acres, and yes, I have very little knowledge about much else — including my employment status following graduation — but I lived a full year in-person at this school, so you could say I’m like the Yoda of U.Va.

Being the kind person I am, I have decided to bestow some of this valuable knowledge on you all as you begin to navigate University life. Here are some tips and tricks for you, and you can trust these lessons were learned for a reason.

Always make sure the person you are waking up next to goes to the bathroom before bed. This is fairly self explanatory. No one wants to wake up in a puddle. 

Don’t trust when a frat bro calls you “really mature for a first year.” Jack might just be really immature for a fifth year. Is it really worth it for the wristband?

Establish a good relationship with your Resident Advisor. Let them ride in your Uber from Boylan and they may just forget they ever saw you there.

Check if the Lawn is muddy before sitting down to eat lunch. Having a large brown stain on your butt leaves very little to the imagination. 

Always add water to your mac and cheese before you microwave it. There is no faster way to become a public enemy than waking up your entire dorm and getting the fire department called all for some drunken Velveeta. 

When you sign a lease, pay close attention to who’s responsible for paying the exterminator. Chances are, if you’re paying, that means the roaches have been playing. 

Try to remember the name of the guy you made out with. It will be helpful when you’re in his chem group. 

Try to be sly about hooking up in the dorm. We’ve all seen those two sets of feet in the showers, the duo going into the hall’s handicap stall, and some of us have even heard some unfortunate noises coming from the staircase. People will know you weren’t “just talking.”

If you need to go number 2, go to Clemons’ single stalls. Sure, everyone will know it was you, but you will have peace and quiet that an eight stall hall bathroom just can’t provide. 

Check the age of the person you’re streaking the Lawn with. If they go into cardiac arrest on the South Lawn, people are going to ask you what happened to this naked adult.

Loft beds are not for the faint of heart. One concussion, a broken wrist and a shattered computer screen later, we figured this one out.

Don’t cut your hair after midnight. Those bangs will look a lot harsher in the light of day.

Don’t make the picture on your fake ID the same as your student ID. Sometimes you’ll need to show both and the bouncer will not be amused.

Don’t be too quick to declare a major. You might spend the next three years being asked how you started with Econ and ended up with religious studies.

If you’ve learned anything from this article, I hope that first year will be full of horror stories and learning experiences. At the end of the day, you probably won’t remember what it was like waking up in urine, you’ll only remember the friends you made along the way. Here’s looking at you, my fellow fourth year, commonly referred to among my friends as “Pee Boy.”