Ah yes, it's finally winter break. The alarm clocks are turned off, your school email is logged out, and your friends are — wait, where’s Diane? You have not actually seen Diane since last week. Oh no! Santa must have taken her back to the North Pole! Oh well, you will see her in January. Wait a second — Diane still has your favorite sweater, and you wanted to wear that on Christmas. Do not despair! If your emotional support short friend has gone missing, here are three ways to get them back. Santa will not miss them. There is no way they can make toys — they can barely make their bed.
Plan A — Trade
Everything in life requires sacrifices, and this is no exception. Take a walk around your house and decide which of your siblings you like least. If you do not have any siblings, find that one neighbor you used to babysit to make some extra cash who left you with unresolved trauma — just make sure whoever you choose is five feet tall or shorter. Now, watch this target for an hour and find a way to make a list of all their positive traits. For example, if your sibling has spent the past hour screaming at a video game, you can say that they are determined and hardworking, refusing to give up in the face of defeat. If they have somehow convinced your mom that you have done something wrong when you have not even been near them for over half a year, you can say they are a master negotiator and will effectively lead the elves towards maximum toy-building efficiency. Once you have seen enough, write a letter to Santa detailing how useless your friend is and how useful your target will be and propose a trade. It will only be a matter of time until your friend is back and that menace to society’s constant yelling is nowhere to be heard.
Plan B — Infiltrate
Okay… so maybe the head elf sent you a letter back saying they do not want your sibling or annoying neighbor either. Don't you worry, it is time to deploy your biggest asset — yourself. Lay on the floor of your childhood bedroom and scan the room to try and remember what you used to be good at before the American education system stripped you of your hobbies. Maybe you’ll spot your old taekwondo belts falling off a shelf in your closet or a framed certificate from your time as the top bassoonist in the all-state band. Whatever you learn about yourself during this time of reflection will be your prime mode of attack. Now all you need is to get to the North Pole. You watched a slightly sketchy YouTube video from 10 years ago about a guy shipping himself in a box, and that is all the training you need. Grab the biggest box you can find and stuff it with your favorite snacks, blanket, and a cute little throw pillow. After you address it to the North Pole, get the sibling who dislikes you the most — or that pesky neighbor — to tape you in and set you out on the porch for pick up. Santa will not know what hit him when you roundhouse kick your way past the elves or make them run in terror as you play a very out of tune bassoon that you found in your basement.
Plan C — Sabotage
Santa is good — too good. He caught you again, and almost killed your mom in the process — your mom nearly had a heart attack when she opened the box two days later, and you jumped out, fully ready to throw hands. After making sure she does not think you are any more unstable than usual, you glance down and notice the box has been marked “Return to Sender.” You did not want to resort to this, but Santa has left you no choice. Santa may have kidnapped your friend for free labor, but he will be forced to let them go if they simply refuse to work. You find the nearest child and hijack their Christmas list. You add the one thing you know would make your friend fume, plop down on the floor of the workshop and stage her very own strike — you ask for their spot on a waitlist for the one class about Dracula they want to take before they graduate in the spring. Once this letter has been returned to the confused child and sent with love and chaotic intentions, Diane’s strike is all but a certainty and her return all but a guarantee. Santa can’t afford to do anything but fire your pesky friend Diane lest they inspire a larger strike among the other elves — or even worse, elf unionization.
Now is the time for action my friends, you know what to do – just do not tell Santa I told you, I really want to be on the nice list this year.
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