Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Following incidents of knife and gun violence on Grounds, the University announced a new initiative to encourage safety. However, instead of targeting these incidents of violence, the University has a different target they believe will be much more difficult to eliminate — awkward social situations.
Emergency blue lights placed densely across Grounds are intended to be a helpful way for students to stay safe from any possible harm, with the University Police Department alerted to a users location upon pressing the emergency button. However, in the past couple of weeks, students have started to abuse this system to get out of objectively weird social scenarios. As students' social skills reel from the lack of interaction following exams and watching many of their friends leave for home, many of them forgot how to interact with people, with the blue lights reportedly being the only answer.
Rather than ignoring this issue, the University has instead embraced it, with contractors reportedly working 60 hours a week to install separate “orange lights” around Grounds, dedicated only to assisting in these awkward situations. With this solution, dispatchers will always know whether to send UPD officers as they would for a blue light alert or their “Charisma Team.”
The Charisma Team is specifically trained in disarming awkward situations with “smooth speech” and “calming voices.” Intended to be a great benefit for current and future awkward students, a large portion have been placed around the Engineering School and Bryan Hall, which typically houses many classes in the English department.
Executive vice president Jennifer Wagner Davis commented on the orange lights in a press briefing.
“Anytime someone says the wrong word, forgets someone’s name or waves at someone who definitely wasn’t waving at them back, the orange lights are a solution,” Davis said, avoiding other questions about potential light pollution caused by the lights or the additional awkwardness of having to wait for a Charisma Team to address situations once the button is pressed.
Before the orange lights were installed, first-year College student Brianne Doodlestops found the blue lights useful in dealing with lesser-known acquaintances, although flawed in execution.
“I was walking out of class with someone whose name I totally blanked on, and when we finished talking, we said goodbye to each other," Doodlestops said. "Then we continued walking in the same direction in silence. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.”
The most natural solution to her problem was to hit the blue light. When University Police officers arrived on the scene, they didn’t know what to do or say. The prolonged awkward silence between them allegedly led the police team to hit the blue light again.
However, after the orange lights were rolled out, less UPD resources have been wasted, with faster responses from the Charisma Team to incidents of social stress.
Stick McPuck, a student athlete on the club ice hockey team, recounted their experience with the Charisma Team.
“Some girl told me to have a good game, but like, I wasn’t sure we’d met before, but I thought I would be nice and say ‘you too’. Right after I said it I realized she didn’t also play club ice hockey. Obviously,” McPuck said.
“I hit the orange light and the Charisma Team came out of nowhere — it was like being surrounded by a group of theater kids who were also trained yogis. They looked like adults, but I swear I’ve seen some of those kids around Arts Grounds before.”
University representatives denied the allegations that Drama students were being secretly recruited to work part-time for Charisma Teams.
All around Grounds, the orange light has been seen as a solution to all social quandaries, from being confused over whether peers are offering high fives or handshakes. But many students and staff at the University have questioned the sustainability of this system and whether it is able to help students address their anxieties or if it functions as a cop-out.
In an effort to avoid his real duties, University President Jim Ryan addressed the subject in a livestreamed statement from his Instagram account.
“We’ve put these orange lights in place because the blue lights should be used for major emergencies only. Using them to avoid awkward moments is ineffectual and… Oh… shoot, what’s the word I’m looking for. Uhh. Oh God. This is really awkward.”
The president proceeded to end the livestream and run to the nearest orange light, pressing it 50 times before jumping into the Dell Pond.
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