Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Following the jarring email from President Jim Ryan concerning the University’s commitment to “preserve [its] financial stability,” officials have been slowly implementing budget cuts from holds on hiring, raises and capital projects. Like many other students, I am still sending screenshots, sad emojis and YikYak posts about how we are so majorly screwed right now. And while I don’t know much about fiscal matters at the University, Ryan’s analogues for the severity of the situation — COVID-19 and the 2008 global economic recession — have been quite a wake-up call.
Therefore, in the name of “student self-governance” — or as I like to call it, “how we deal with administration self-laziness” — we need to crunch the hard numbers that the University won’t. I have compiled a list of initiatives to actually reduce spending and increase revenue at the University.
Increase unpaid internships
You, like others, are probably sifting through LinkedIn or Handshake, slowly giving up hope at securing that illustrious summer internship. Maybe you aren’t even able to snag a Target cashier job because you don’t have your bachelors. The job market is an epidemic that expands far past Charlottesville. Therefore, if University officials are already considering hiring freezes, they might as well open up unpaid internships instead.
This way, students can work 40 plus hours each week to fluff up their resume without the University having to pay anything. It's a win-win scenario — except for the number of adjunct professors who will continue to have no job.
Defund the University Programs Council and their bad judgement
What one would give to be a fly on the wall when UPC members chose “A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie” for the 2025 Spring Concert. Things go wrong when decision-makers are a group of random students that have no time for any other activities. Sure, event turnout is better than the empty meetings where student presence actually matters. However, this is far from worth the funding they receive that comes from students’ activities fees.
As the rich get richer — the UPC event staff get first pick at goodies — the rest of the student body is left twiddling their thumbs. If the University were to defund the UPC, the loss of a few t-shirts would go unnoticed.
Costco Membership investment
One thing that ties students together is the promise of free food at club events, so it is no wonder that most University-sanctioned activities involve catering. While most CIOs get bottom of the barrel funds, organizations like Honor Committee have racked up fat endowments. However, when considering the price for anything around Charlottesville, this category of funding is simply not cost effective.
I suggest the University invests 65 dollars in a Costco Membership — imagine constant Costco pizza and Lawn room parties with Kirkland seltzers. With a Gold Star Membership, the discounts offered to the University will add up to large-scale budget cuts in the long-run — just give it a few decades!
Executive tabling on the Lawn
Of course, the high salary of the President has been called into question. If Ryan wants to fully immerse himself in the broke college student experience — relatability goes a long way for him — then he should take up tabling on the Lawn.
He should start with something simple like a bake sale with overpriced Trader Joe’s desserts. If he can get on the same level as a capella groups that shove flyers in your face, then surely he can pull the University out of this recession. And, with all the freetime he has to host his “Run With Jim” events, he could start powering the grid with a treadmill. No need to cut back if the president shows he is a man of the people by raising revenue for us all.
Let us finally make the University of Virginia a for-profit institution!
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