Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
As the fall semester kicks up, first-years will finally be living on Grounds and everyone within a five-mile radius will know. From anxiously waving goodbye to their parents, to anxiously waiting in the line outside of Trinity Irish Pub, life at the University is night-and-day from anything they’ve experienced before. As they, too, were former children, The Cavalier Daily’s esteemed Humor desk decided to answer some common questions for these youngins.
What if my roommate has a bunch of weird habits I didn’t know about before?
Adair Reid, Humor Editor: WHAT? The random kid you only know through Instagram has a concerningly sensual relationship with their Keurig? Could have never expected that! Two choices here — involve the resident advisor, which is the wrong choice, or start your own concerningly sensual relationship with your dorm fan. Outfreak the freak.
Owen Andrews, Humor Columnist: One simple solution is to sleep anywhere but your dorm — they’re not really your roommate if you decide to stop sharing the room with them, after all. Sleeping options include first floor Clemons, ratty upperclassmen frat house couches and the Student Health and Wellness lounge. You could also start dating another first-year, in which case you’d become some other person’s third, unwanted roommate.
Natalie Boucher, Humor Columnist: Just gaslight them, Friends style. If you don’t want them to be your roommate, they won’t be! First, move their belongings to a remote location. Then, find a trusted friend who’s up to the task of gatekeeping and move them into your ex-roommate’s’ space, now empty. Bonus points if you make them a treasure map. Finally, be sure to steal your ex-roommate’s’ student ID — if they still have one — and chuck it into the Dell pond. This way, they will have no choice but to knock desperately on your door and be greeted by their replacement, who knows to deny, deny and deny.
I got my fake ID from some random kid at my high school, and it says I’m 26. Will I be able to get into Coupes with it?
AR: If you’re a girl, the short answer is yes. Everybody loves a cougar. If you’re a boy… why are you in the Coupes line? We don’t need any more of you. But generally, my advice is to stay away from elevated establishments such as Coupe de Villes or Trinity. Bring back Boylan, and go where you belong.
OA: I recommend you go even older next time — there’s a solid contingent of alumni at Coupes a bit too elderly to roll bars, and they’re your perfect cover. So long as you bring your suit, your tie and your conspicuous hairpiece, you’ll fit right in.
NB: Are you aware this is illegal? That possession of a fake ID is actually considered a … misdemeanor? I suggest you return to the comfort of your dorm and possibly … open a book? Have you thought of that? Yeah. Get out of the Coupes line. Or like, let me cut you.
I’ve heard there’s a lot up in the air concerning who the next University president will be after Jim Ryan resigned this summer. Should I be worried?
AR: Maybe interim president Paul Mahoney looks like U.S. Senator and SNL darling Mitch McConnell — that doesn’t mean he can’t take your mind off of Jim Ryan’s departure and bond with students! Run with Jim may be no more, but there’s always Baloney with Mahoney…?
OA: There’s nothing to worry about at all! Our presidential search committee, consisting of key figures such as a leading distributor of Busch Light, an executive member of Goldman Sachs and a really really good swimmer, will find the perfect figurehead for one of the leading public research institutions in the country. Wahoowa!
NB: Everyone knows that University politics have no real impact on our lives.
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