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(04/09/01 4:00am)
Spring has sprung. This year it commenced with a Seder - a ceremo-nial dinner marking the beginning of Passover. My housemates and I ate matzah with bitter horseradish. We ate matzah with charoset. We ate chocolate-dipped matzah, and just plain old matzah. We ate gefilte fish - a sort of thinly-sliced, scrod-flavored bread pudding. For the uninitiated, it is fully as good as it sounds.
(03/26/01 5:00am)
You could probably feed the world's hungry for a year with the advertising budget Cingular Wireless has unleashed on TV Land in recent weeks. Cingular's commercials feature a Tony Danza look-alike doing the Ickey Shuffle. Some even feature quotations from various luminaries, including Shakespeare ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day"), Martin Luther King, Jr. ("Free at Last") and Homer Simpson ("D'Oh").
(02/26/01 5:00am)
Trudging homeward, I was just past the house with the knight's armor on the lawn, not yet to the gully of soiled mattresses. The spherical, middle-aged white woman emerged from her car and bellowed, to her equally rotund husband on the porch, the question of the new millenium: "whassssssuuuuup?"
(02/12/01 5:00am)
MTV's "Undressed," now in its fourth season, is administered in 30-minute doses, each tracing three or four unrelated, non-overlapping plot lines.
(01/29/01 5:00am)
My acquaintance leaned to me and conspired, "I feel like we're fo-xes in the hen-house." Her, a Naderite, and myself, a Libertarian, sat within the guarded confines of the inner sanctum, stage right, at the Texas Inaugural Ball (thanks to a well-connected friend) - directly astride Bruce Cheney's box (which he occupied for zero seconds). All the stars were there: Dixie Carter, the oldest Judd, Kelsey Grammar, Ben Stein.
(12/06/00 5:00am)
Whitman wrote, "the game of ball is glorious." It teaches, revives, placates, unifies. It frames life. Being 11-years old means nothing to me - not until I think of it in terms of the Sooners' 1985 National Championship. Then I remember what it was to be ten. Six years old is like a J.C. Watts afro, and thirteen is teenage rage hurled at that bastard Danny Manning and his purloined title. The fall of the Berlin Wall? Switzer's last year.
(11/20/00 5:00am)
I demand QualChoice contraceptive coverage. In case you're a stupid caveman or an ignorant Christian, here's the deal. QualChoice, the health coverage plan for University students, doesn't cover oral contraceptives or contraceptive devices (a.k.a. "rubbers" or "jimmy hats"). It should, and not only because my friends from other schools get their sex paid for.
(11/06/00 5:00am)
I've been pegged as a cynic too many times lately - an appellation met with skepticism and scorn, followed by sneering.
(10/16/00 4:00am)
Contrary to the popular and inane aphorism, money is not the root of all evil. Evil made that up, because it knew it would work. We sit around pointing at money instead of at ourselves, and Evil has a heyday in Cabrini Green. Not even the desire for money is necessarily bad. I like to turn my labor into food, and money does that for me. Thanks, Money.
(09/18/00 4:00am)
Welcome to the Idiot's Guide to American Politics. And by "idiot's" I don't mean for idiots. I mean by one.