My acquaintance leaned to me and conspired, "I feel like we're fo-xes in the hen-house." Her, a Naderite, and myself, a Libertarian, sat within the guarded confines of the inner sanctum, stage right, at the Texas Inaugural Ball (thanks to a well-connected friend) - directly astride Bruce Cheney's box (which he occupied for zero seconds). All the stars were there: Dixie Carter, the oldest Judd, Kelsey Grammar, Ben Stein.
What satisfaction it gave me to look back across a good 15 feet of vacant space to the hoard of Texans, like so many Bevos, bellying up to the guarded ropes, dying to get a glimpse of Dubya.
I wondered how much money that sweaty mass had given to have taxes lowered, to fly to Washington and to parade around like a bunch of loud-mouthed Texans. Believe me when I say this - and as an Oklahoman, I'm an expert on the matter - Texans are suckers. And a Texan in a tux is about as bad as it gets. Those people can't just wear a tux; it has to have bullhorns sticking out the back, or chaps built into the pants.
But in reality, I felt more like a hen in a fox house (if, for the sake of the ironic metaphor, you could imagine that somewhere there is a fox farmer who keeps her foxes in a house). These people have powerfully one-sided outlooks and the money to be heard.
Another friend took us to a party thrown by some Ohio congressman, who purportedly never makes anyone wait for a drink. It is so reassuring to know there is a real man of the people in Washington. In addition, he is especially concerned with young females with breasts bigger than his wife's. You could hear people's stomachs growling - for advancement, for sex, for power, for those little quesadillas.
I certainly do some unfair projecting. There are a lot of good people in Washington. Just because I disagree with them and their constituency, whether that be pro-tobacco North Carolinians or anti-fashion Texans, doesn't mean they're wrong or immoral, even if they take large contributions from Philip Morris or Jordache. A lot of people want American money to fund overseas abortion clinics, but a lot of people don't. Just because one group gets its way doesn't mean Dubya. is a fascist. It just means Hillary Clinton and Trent Lott will have to rub political bellies in the traditional sumo way on the next issue.
In some ways I detest this two-party system. What's a guy who's socially and economically laissez-faire supposed to do?
One possibility is to appreciate those damn Federalists.
I may walk like a classically liberal Jeffersonian, but I'm starting to waddle like a Hamiltonian cynic. Most people are damn nice on an individual basis, but once we start talking governance, people turn hungry and selfish. God bless those Federalists for setting up the scales.
The more our two parties push on each other, the more compromise we get - and the less I have to worry about politics. Which is not to say I don't think about social issues and have my finger on the pulse - I just needn't worry about them. There's nothing I like about abortion. But at once, banning it is a prospect more dangerous than a Texan trying to eat with a fork. So it's a good thing that Roe v. Wade won't be overturned, even if we have to pretend it may be to keep those PAC contributions flowing. So unlike a Texan in a rented tux, I don't sweat, and History indicates that our society becomes increasingly free market and increasingly tolerant.
I don't like the way drugs are dealt with. I don't like the infantilization of the "underprivileged." I don't like having my tax dollars distributed by people who have lived in Washington for 20 years. Unfortunately, not too many people agree with me across the board, so I don't really get to participate beyond rhetorical gesture. But I'm doing okay in life. I am where I want to be and doing what I want, which owes almost as much to legally protected rights as it does to personal Weltanschauung.
On my way back to Charlottesville the day after the Inauguration, I experienced my own, non-political brand of epiphany - a pulled pork sandwich at the Birchmere, followed by a concert from the legendary Jay Farrar. Couldn't do that in Russia. God bless those statesmen - even the swarmy congressional rakes whose reputations are based on lagers rather than legislation. So my taxes are too high. All's I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and the peace of mind that for every Ted Kennedy in his underwear, there's a fully-clothed Jesse Helms.
Read More
Lending a hand during the finals push
By Abby Snowdon | 6 hours agoThe race to the end of the year has begun, and University groups have set up pit stops along the course to help students get to the finish line.
The spring fashion trend for you based on your college lifestyle
By Malone Morchower | 22 hours agoIn 2024, decades of different styles have come back, culminating in a casual yet exciting fashion.
University gym culture uplifts student fitness
By Mia Tan | 2 days agoFor these students, the most Herculean gym pursuits are less about achieving the build of a Greek god and more about building long-lasting, healthy relationships with the gym.
