After a year serving my fellow students as their beloved Honor chair, I have decided not to vacate my coveted Lawn room for the foreseeable future. Instead, I will continue to reside in Room 37 and serve as chair of “big-H” Honor and leader of all things “little-h” honor in perpetuity.
To me, Honor is a lived experience. If I leave the University, how can I live that experience anymore? I am committed to the values of never lying, cheating or stealing — especially since I have never lied, cheated or stolen anything (ever!). But our community has not reached my enviable moral status yet. There is a reason our Lawn chairs are still locked. There is still work to be done.
Given that my now-former little in my revered fraternity, Phi Delta Theta, alongside another member of Honor proposed changes to our system that now must be considered by the next committee, it would be irresponsible for me to leave. Their proposal has made it easier for non-Honor affiliated students to become involved with our system; this is a failure of my tenure.
I have learned much about the nature of “little-h” honor in my time here, and have discovered that honor does not stem from a collective whole, but rather a single fountainhead. I honestly, respectfully believe that I am this University’s fountainhead. With respect to that fountainhead, all things deemed honorable in the surrounding environment are relative and dependent. Thus, my decision to stockpile my Lawn room with left-behind Confederate rifles in order to fortify my abode cannot be challenged.
Additionally, I have gathered all the Honor umbrellas in my Lawn room and will only release them to students I personally deem honorable. Per Honor's bylaws, such students will likely mostly be white and members of my fraternity. The one woman eligible to receive an umbrella will be Faith Lyons. Though she can no longer serve as Chair as I will hold this position interminably, she will now have the honor of serving as my little in Phi Delta Theta and, one day, my “honorably” wedded wife. We will share this room together as we serve this student body.
I have gained the support of all three significant administrators — Vice President of Student Affairs Pat Lampkin, Dean of Students Allen Groves and President Teresa Sullivan — in my decision. As these individuals command national respect, I am confident my choice will, too.
I have chosen to remain in Lawn Room 37 due to its honorable history and its ideal location as a temporary base of operations. I will soon be launching an offensive against first-year “honor” dorm Balz-Dobie — hub of both scholastic and personal “honor” — after which time I will establish permanent offices for all Honor support staff and annex the adjoining Observatory Hill. I do not expect to find any resistance from Balz-Dobie residents.
I look forward to the continuing eternity of my role as your Honor Chair.
Humbly yours,
Honor Chair St. Nick Heiny
St. Nick Heiny is a fourth-year in the College and, apparently, the remaining Chair of the Honor Committee.
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