This summer, I learned I have absolutely no clue how to take a compliment. My mom continually asked me what constructive criticism I was receiving from my internship, and my awkward responses to positive praise definitely topped the list.
On the last day of work, five of my coworkers and I went out to lunch to celebrate a successful summer. I knew praise and thanks were inevitable, and I could feel myself tense up every time the conversation turned to me. Now I’ll be the first to admit, it’s pretty great to get compliments — who doesn’t like to hear nice things said about them? In addition, being praised is affirming for perfectionists like myself.
Actually receiving the praise, however, is a different story.
As the table went around and thanked me for my work, my palms were sweating, I couldn’t keep eye contact and I was awkwardly giggling things like, “Oh no, that’s not true of me at all,” or “Thanks! You too.” People were pouring out beautiful compliments, seeking all of the right things to say and I totally failed them as a receiver.
As we walked back to the parking lot, someone gave a final word of praise and I sighed in relief, only able to enjoy everyone’s kind words after the fact. I hopped in the car with my boss and headed back to the office, hoping she didn’t notice how awkward I was, but of course, she did. I gushed over my inability to receive recognition and expressed frustration with my apparent lack of social skills. She laughed, promised I wasn’t the only person who felt that way and then offered me some advice.
“The key is to respond to compliments with equal authenticity. People like giving praise just as much as they like receiving it, so affirm them in their accolades and explain to them why it means so much to you. Make them feel good about their compliments.”
So what exactly does this look like? I think it means keeping the conversation on me for a moment longer, even if it’s the last thing I want to do. It means saying “thank you” but taking it a step further and saying, “Thank you. I really love doing that.” Perhaps, most importantly, it helps us recognize the character and integrity that builds such praise.
For example, if someone said to me, “You have a way of making people feel really loved and related to.” Then I could say, “Thank you so much for saying that. I really enjoy making sure everyone feels loved, welcomed and understood. It’s so important to building a strong community.”
It’s a quick and easy formula that not only sounds great, but also takes the weight off of the individual and focuses instead on the character beneath the action.
Since that conversation with my boss, I’ve been anxiously waiting for someone to toss me a compliment, but the closest I’ve gotten is “Hey! I like your outfit.” How am I supposed to respond to that — “Thanks, I loved shopping for it?” I guess my new technique works better for character praise than it does for physical compliments, although I do love shopping.
Peyton’s column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at p.williams@cavalierdaily.com.
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