SPORTS! We are Americans and we like sports! We like to watch the sports on our televisions, and we like to do it with our friends. Sometimes, we go to the sports and watch them with other people who we don’t know, and we watch sports in buildings called stadiums. Sports are exciting because they are played between two groups of people that are called teams. And nobody knows who will win the sports until they are over. And no sports are as important to us as THE BIG GAME. The Big Game is so important that it only happens one time every year. And it is a game of sports. Men fight each other all year just to have a chance to play sports on the night of The Big Game. That is how important The Big Game is. Every Sunday night before The Big Game, we gather around the television to watch the fighting, and when it happens we yell at the sports men through the television. Even though they cannot hear us, we yell — for such is the power of the sports. During the sports, the sports men fight over the game ball, and sometimes throw it to each other. We are very happy when the throwing happens. To make it to The Big Game, the same team of sports men must be victorious in many fights. The sports are fought on a large green rectangle called a field, and the people who keep track of the victories are called “refs” and wear stripes. This is the way the sports work: the teams run from one side of the field to the other, and when they get there, the refs put a number seven next to their name. When we watch the sports on television, we are very happy when the number seven is next to our favorite team’s name. Sometimes, the men fight so hard that the running changes directions before the other team has made it to the other side of the field. We are sometimes very angry when this happens. And we are sometimes very happy. It is all for the love of the sports. Whenever the refs decide that the fighting is over, the team with the most points by their names is declared victorious. We are very happy when our favorite team wins a fight because it means they are closer than the other teams to playing in The Big Game. Finally, after months and months of fighting, only two teams are chosen to go to The Big Game, and there are many celebrations. But The Big Game is not simply about the sports. There are also funny videos that play when the fighting is not happening. These are called “commercials,” and they bring us great amusement. If the commercials are very funny, we spend money on items that the commercial tells us to. We also like to get together with many friends on the day of The Big Game and eat large amounts of food and discuss who we would like to be victorious in the sports. Sometimes we disagree with people on who should win the sports and these are people we do not like. Luckily, the sports men get tired very easily, and The Big Game lasts a very long time —which means more time to enjoy the sports, friends and commercial amusements! At the end of The Big Game, one team is declared victorious, and if it is our favorite team we are very, very happy. Some people get so happy that they wear the same costumes as the sports men and yell. But at the end of the day, victory or defeat, we are all there for the love of the sports. And The Big Game will happen again next year. Jess Miller is a Humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.