It’s finally here. The time of year every person either loves a little too much or pretends to not like. It’s fall, ladies and gentlemen, and that means there is another amazing excuse to avoid doing that essay you probably should’ve started by now. So while you’re procrastinating, here are the five fall essentials everyone should be doing this autumn season.
1. Clean up that dorm
If you’re like me it’s probably been a good month or two since you’ve picked things up around this place. While wading through Chick-Fil-A wrappers and all the other garbage you’ve brought back, you might find hidden gems, like your roommate’s vape he lost two weeks ago, or even your will to live. You might even be surprised to learn that your roommate has embraced cuffing season and now you have a third roommate! She seems to spend just a little too much time on your roommate’s lap, and you’ve started to notice she’s leaving stuff in your dorm. I guess she isn’t planning on leaving anytime soon. At least she’s determined to make your room cleaner — so that’s a plus.
2. Visit the Special Collections Library
Next on your autumn tour is the Special Collections Library. Now, you might have already spent a crazy amount of time in a library getting that bread this semester and are thinking about skipping this stop on your celebratory autumn trek. However, the Special Collections Library is criminally underrated. This is a place that contains priceless texts that hold such incredible history. When there, head to the back. Then look around and make sure no one is watching as you knock three times on the wall. A sliding door should appear with descending stairs. When you descend down these stairs, you’ll come ask an old altar covered in cobwebs. Ask simply for the ancient texts, and they should rise out of the altar. Take them, as they are now yours, and try not to think of the dried blood on some on the pages.
3. Visit a local restaurant
It’s time to treat yourself, and there’s nothing you love more than food. Luckily, there are plenty of excellent dining options here in Charlottesville. My recommendation is that you head on down to the local butcher and order yourself one chicken head and a double helping of a gallon of pigs blood. I can promise you this will absolutely cure your hunger. Some side effect might include convulsing painfully on the ground and seeing dark disturbing visions. Quick tip — this does wonders for hangovers.
4. Organize a girls’ night out
It’s time to get out and enjoy yourself! Get your whole coven together and take to the skies as you have the time of your life terrorizing children. Some fun activities you can do while flying around town include adopting some black cats, looking fit in some long black hats and brewing up some bubbly potions with your ladies! When you are out and about, make sure to cast some spells on those weird dudes who yell at you. Remember to practice your cackle in the mirror before going out!
5. Take a hike in the forest
Nothing is more perfect than an autumn hike in the forest. The prime time to set out on your nature walk is exactly at 12:01 a.m. when the spirits are at their most restless. This is when the texts and the chicken head are going to become very important. Find the effigy in the forest and set it ablaze, burning the texts and chicken head with it. If you do everything correctly, the spirit of the forest will grant you one wish. This could be your chance for that A on your midterms or even the ability to always feel well rested after sleeping. Maybe you just found a way to get rid of your third roommate.
With all these amazing things to do, get out there and have an amazing fall! It’s spooky season!
Bannon Luckert is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
U.Va. Spirit Week 2024 dates announced
By Camila Cohen Suárez | 9 hours agoStudent Affairs’ memo reads that “U.Va. Spirit Week will allow students to reflect on their role within the University system."
U.Va. “Tourapocalypse”
By Adair Reid | 5 days agoSpring is a beautiful time for Guides to go on the offensive and really highlight the beauty of Grounds from the pollen-caked sidewalks to the lovely-smelling new mulch.
Dear Power Outlet, My Dearest Darling Love
By Maggie McHaty | April 17, 2024My dearest darling love, the concussion to my midnight snowball fights on the Lawn, the 2023 sewage flood to my Brown Residential College, I know I should not have come back.
