Crushing college debt, record-breaking unemployment rates, having to constantly explain to your parents what a “skinny legend” is — these are some of the monumental struggles faced by our generation today. However, they are nothing compared to what can only be described as our Mount Everest, the mental warfare induced by deciding whether to hunker down and complete your mountain of homework and essays or to avoid any and all responsibilities by scrolling aimlessly through your social media feeds, only to drown in feelings of guilt and regret afterwards. If only there was a solution. If only there was a way to procrastinate your drastically more important tasks while still feeling some semblance of productivity.
Well boy do I have news for you! It exists. It is hidden in plain sight. It lives along the outskirts of your circle of awareness, present in your everyday life but never quite enough to be noticed that often. It lurks in the shadows of every COMM 1800 kid’s most visited websites. It is the hero you never thought you needed. Until now. It is … LinkedIn.
I know what you’re probably thinking, “How can Facebook for snooty business students and robber-baron hopefuls possibly help me trick my mind into feeling like I’ve accomplished something while still continuing to do absolutely nothing?” Allow me to explain, naïve little reader. On the surface, LinkedIn seems like any other social media platform — setting up your profile, “liking” posts, sending follow requests to people you’ve spoken approximately seven words to in your entire life, etc. However, in reality, LinkedIn is actually … literally exactly what I just described. The only distinguishing characteristic it has from other prominent social media sites is — instead of cat pictures going viral — it’s job updates, while random Forbes articles replace news stories about the most recent s—tstorm Kanye has conjured up.
You may still be wondering how LinkedIn could be the answer to your deepest of prayers, and that’s okay because I finally just figured out where the hell I’m going with this. It’s going to BLOW. YOUR. MIND. What makes LinkedIn so special? An illusion. A subtle illusion. One so under the radar that I’m honestly probably just making it up, but that’s not important right now. Nothing about LinkedIn is significantly different from any of its counterparts, but the fact that it is a primarily business-oriented website is enough to make even the most important of papers seem like something you can justifiably put off for one or two or 14 hours. With Twitter, Facebook, etc., you peruse through your timeline, comment on a few posts, and that’s the extent of it. You don’t really feel like you’ve achieved anything, which inevitably results in your immediate regret for not being more productive with your time.
But with LinkedIn, it’s different — you’re bombarded with tons of recruiters looking for their next hire and articles giving tips on how to nail your first job interview, making you feel like your mindless scrolling is actually doing something worthwhile for your life — spoiler, it’s not. With LinkedIn, you get to feel like you’re only one click away from becoming the next hotshot consultant at Deloitte when in reality you’ve done as much for your future as you would have by thirst-following Noah Centineo on Instagram. Isn’t that magical?
One of LinkedIn’s hidden gems is that by wasting your time, you can also boost your self-esteem. Want to feel good about yourself? Edit your profile to include all the incredible things you’ve accomplished, even if they may not be completely true. You have “professional working proficiency” in Spanish because you vacationed in Cancún last summer and had to ask a local for directions using the little bit of ~espagnol~ you remembered from the ninth grade? Amazing! You were an “intern” at your dad’s office, aka you organized some of his files that one time and drove him home when he got a little too tipsy at the company Christmas party? Very impressive and totally not fabricated!
Now that I’ve gifted you all with the key to one of life’s greatest joys, go forth and practice your newfound method of HEALTHY procrastination, my precious readers! Throw caution to the wind and instead of studying for that ECON 2010 exam you have tomorrow, spend hours upon hours examining the profiles of top business executives whom you’ll probably never even have the opportunity to get coffee for, let alone work for! And when it’s all said and done — your GPA plummeted, your career options nonexistent — remember what got you there. Remember the hero in blue and white who was there for you when you needed him most. Remember the priceless gifts he so selflessly gave you. Remember LinkedIn.
Alisha Kohli is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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