There is a major entity overtaking the continental United States, and if we don't find a way to stop it soon, we will all suffocate under a blanket of denim and khaki. I am referring to none other than big pants.
It started as something simple enough. In 1990 a Midwest teenager named Earl wore his father's pants to school because all his other pants were being eaten by the family goat. It was a tough time for the family, and their goat had recently switched from tin cans to denim in attempt to lose a little weight.
At school Earl's friends initially made fun of him with clever insults such as, "Your pants are big" and "You must have gotten those pants from someone bigger than you."
However, over time the other children realized that if they too wore looser pants they would not feel like they were being molested all day, at least as long as they weren't in Mr. Herbert's math class. Soon enough all the kids began wearing their father's pants (forcing all the fathers in the town to wear their daughter's clothes).
Unfortunately big pants are now present in every household in America with the possible exception of the Amish ones, but it's only a matter of time. I must admit that I too have been drawn in by the craze. While I don't wear pants that could house a professional sumo wrestler and his family, I do occasionally wear pants or shorts that could house a professional sumo wrestler's slightly overweight dog. I'm not proud of this fact, but I think we're all happy to distance ourselves from the decade of spandex which preceded the '90s.
After big pants were well established, the young adults of America got together and decided that there still was not enough denim and cotton draped from their bodies, so they came up with cargo pants. I too wear cargo pants, and I too don't know why I'm doing it.
I try my hardest to find some "cargo" to put in the pockets to at least make it functional clothing. I never thought marsupials would lead the way in the fashion world. If we humans were also raising our young in pouches that extended from our bodies, cargo pants would make a lot more sense. Sometimes I keep a squirrel in one of the pockets just to put my mind at ease.
I don't claim to understand fashion. I just found out last week that white powdered wigs weren't cool anymore. However, I've finally figured out how to stay on top of fashion trends. I have obtained the holy grail of the fashion world. The answer is: Ask a carpenter.
Face it, carpenters have lead the way in many of the recent clothing trends. Long before everybody was wearing their pants around their knees, who do you think was showing off the most crack?
The carpenter.
Long before we were all sporting the meaningless hammer loop on our pants, who do you think had one?
The carpenter.
The latest trend is to buy pants that already look like they've been worn for several years. Who do you think has been wearing the same pair of nasty pants for several years?
The carpenter.
However, I want to know how the companies get pants to have the already-worn look to them. My guess is that they have professional pant wearers -- guys that just walk around in a room all day wearing a new pair of jeans. I think we consumers should get a little I.D. card with our jeans, telling us about the man that has worn our pants for several months.
"Your pant wearer's name is Jim. He's a Gemini from Minnesota and says that if you knew what he enjoyed doing in his spare time, you would not want to wear these pants anymore."
And how pathetic is it that those of us who can afford nice, brand new pants are buying pants that look old and used? Do you know what a homeless person would give to have a new pair of pants? Do you? Well, I don't know either, but I bet it would be something cool.
By the way people, I encourage you to look deep down in your hearts and your pants and think about the thousands of homeless people in America who are forced to wear pants that actually fit.
If we all just gave a little bit of fabric we could help put thousands of people in huge pants right away. We could also use some of the fabric to build denim houses. Just think, your pants could be someone else's home, preferably not at the same time. Seriously, just a cargo pocket a month can make a difference.
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